Not a day goes by where I don’t wish they’d taken Hopkins or Morgan from us instead of Vine.
Vine was everything that perfectly encapsulated the beauty of the internet. At their very core, most Vines are inoffensively dumb. It’s just some idiot with a camera, cramming as much stupidity into six seconds as they possibly can. The result is unbridled magic.
Unfortunately, Vine is no longer with us, so many of our dreams of becoming Vine superstars have been shattered. Not to worry, at least we can look back on the wonderful content that was created for us all to enjoy, then analyse it to the point of potentially ruining them all forever more. Banter.
Here’s a deep dive into why some of the greatest Vines are so fucking funny.
- The camerawork is positively cinematic. As a viewer, you’re kept completely in the dark for a moment at the beginning. Yes, there appear to be some birds congregating on a patch of grass in front of some very expensive looking houses, but what’s the point here, Vine? Have you gone Attenborough on us? No. This is a precursor for magic.
- The girl’s arm gesture is inspired. This isn’t her first rodeo. The little girl has clearly been a magician’s assistant for quite a while, instigating many a big reveal in her time. What she lacks in age, she more than makes up for in experience. I heard she assisted David Copperfield last year in Vegas, and I’m inclined to believe it based on what I’m seeing above.
- Her intonation is flawless. Not content with being a future world famous magician’s assistant, this girl is also an accomplished public speaker, it seems. She completely nails the tone required to explain to us, the viewers, what exactly is going on here. Not for one second did I feel confused as soon as she started speaking. I instantly felt comforted by her voice.
- She can’t pronounce ‘chickens’ for shit. Not that I condone making fun of children’s speech impediments, but God bless this sweet little girl, she couldn’t correctly say ‘chickens’ if her precious little life depended on it. It’s endearing, it makes the Vine even more appeasing. She’ll grow out of it, hopefully.
- They’re not even fucking chickens. I’ll be honest, I’m hazy on wildlife identification, they could be ducks or seagulls for all I know, but one thing is certain: THEY’RE NOT CHICKENS. They’re less chicken than I am. This girl is so innocently confused, you can’t help but feel that she’s probably been set up here.
- The camera goes back for a second look. God bless whoever was behind that camera because they have created all the poise of a Scorsese classic. Not content with this little girl making a show of herself, he/she has repeated the opening pan shot, only this time from left to right, further highlighting the beauty of this speech-impeded girl.
- That poor girl was definitely set up. I wouldn’t be surprised if the girl was told they were chickens before the camera even started rolling. It’s a massive leap but I’d be willing to put money on it. Then her fame-hungry cameraperson started rolling, with a view to getting £250 off You’ve Been Framed. If we’ve learned nothing else here, it’s that greed begets A+ content.
2. Nice, Ron
- It seems like this the first time they have ever seen deer. The protagonist is filming the deer, so that suggests that this is probably a rare occurrence. However, the deer seem quite familiar with the bird feeder, which leads me to believe that they have been here before, perhaps unbeknownst to the inhabitants of the house? Spooky.
- Ron’s sneeze is very pronounced. The lady filming had little sympathy for Ron when he was taken asunder with an earthy sneeze. Ron didn’t want to sneeze, people rarely do. For all we know, Ron might be suffering from allergies, perhaps they got some hydrangeas that he’d taken against. Maybe he’s simply under the weather. Either way, the lady doesn’t give a shit about it.
- The deer absolutely shit themselves over A SNEEZE. Not to be an arsehole, I don’t know these deer’s life stories, but I’ve seen Bambi, so that pretty much makes me an expert on deer. I’m fairly sure they’ve never been harmed by a sneeze. Gunshots, rowdy locals, sure. But a sneeze? The only thing a sneeze hurts is your throat sometimes. Toughen up, deer.
- We’ll never truly know that lady’s relationship with Ron. Literally never. There’s no possible way to find out. Are they married? Is he her annoying brother? Did he call over to fix their faulty tumble dryer? Is she having an affair with Ron? Did he call over for some allergy medication? It’s the beauty of the unknown that really works for this particular Vine.
- The protagonist’s penchant for sarcasm is a delight. She said “Nice, Ron” but what she really meant was “For fuck sake Ron”. It’s a joy to behold. That sarcastic remark entered her mind so quickly, she didn’t even have to think about it. NICE, RON. Two words, two syllables, one exceptional Vine.
- The camera work goes to shit after the sneeze. You’d almost think it was the lady behind the camera who sneezed. That kind of sudden limp arm movement perfectly mimicked that of an unexpected sneeze victim (USV). Alas, it was for whatever reason, Ronald. Such was the protagonist’s fury at Ron’s sneeze, she lost herself for a moment, almost losing us too.
- Ron may very well be forbidden from sneezing. This is 2017, anything is possible. The world went to shit a very long time ago. Ron could be living in a volatile home place where his assumed wife has put rules in place that prohibit his unstoppable bodily functions. Is he allowed fart? Has Ron ever tasted yoghurt? Nothing is certain anymore.
3. They. Were. Roommates.
- This girl’s voice projection is flawless. Actors train for years trying to nail the perfect amount of projection in their voices. People working in theatre have lost their jobs for sounding too meek. She’s simply walking through a neighbourhood and hitting projection levels that most actors can only ever dream of achieving.
- It’s possible that she’s not even on the phone. Which makes this Vine all the more hysterical. It’s assumed that she’s on the blower because it’s in her hand and she’s wearing headphones, but maybe she’s simply talking to herself or an imaginary friend. Stranger things have happened.
- We may never know what these roommates allegedly did. Was she talking about the Amanda Knox documentary? Explaining how love blossomed between Marsha and Greg Brady? It’s unlikely we’ll ever find out and that’s one of the main reasons why this Vine is so iconic. Literally anything could’ve happened.
- The girl’s tone is comically weighted. What I mean by that A-Level English paper terminology is that her tone suggests there’s a big juicy story behind all of this. Unfortunately for us, we’re absolutely never going to find out about it. All we have is this tiny snippet and we’re on our own for the rest of it. It’s like a choose your own adventure game.
- The guy’s fake interest in her story is borderline believable. Obviously it’s not, but for the sake of the Vine, he displays more charisma, charm and character development than any Tom Cruise movie I’ve ever seen (disclaimer – I’ve only seen two). It’s reasonable to assume that he’s putting on a whiny female voice and it’s not his real voice, but it’s still one of the best I’ve heard in my short and unfulfilled lifetime.
- We’re left wanting more, but find comfort in knowing that we’ll never get it. It’s the ultimate cliffhanger, which before Vine, none of us knew was possible to create in six seconds. This is better than the end of Inception and Christopher Nolan would likely agree with me on this one. WHO were the roommates and WHAT the fuck did they do? I’d write a thesis on this one if I had the time.
4. THAT’S MY OPINION
- The video distortion is perfect. I’m a firm believer that the word ‘perfect’ shouldn’t be thrown around willy nilly. In this case, it’s extremely valid. I don’t know what kind of wizardry software is at work here, but sign me up. I don’t ever want to see the original because I already know it’s unsightly. I’d watch everything through this filter if I could. Every aspect is spot on, from the enlarged mouth at the exact moment she shouts, to the enlarged eye of the recipient. It’s flawless.
- There’s no context given whatsoever, but we’re fine with it. As a viewer, generally context is vital for you to understand what’s going on. The beauty of Vine is that we know there’s rarely enough time for context, so we get on with it and fill in the blanks ourselves. I’ve no idea who these women are, nor do I know the hardships they’ve endured. All I know is there’s a wayward opinion floating around that’s not getting the respect it potentially deserves.
- The audio distortion is also perfect. Their voices sound so dumb and it’s a joy to behold. I never want to hear their real voices because I already know it would be a massive let down. When the second lady raises her voice, I got a little bit frightened, as it’s reminiscent of my frequently disapproving mother, but her musical intonations diluted that fear instantly.
- Blinking is used to convey emotion here and by fuck does it work. Silence speaks volumes, but blinks speak decibels. It’s the human equivalent of a tumbleweed. Add that weighted blink to a very brief dash of the eyes from left to right and what we’ve got here is one of the greatest dramatic performances we’re all privileged to get to see in this lifetime.
- The man is so useless it hurts. Who is he and why is he there? Doesn’t matter, he will now be filling the role of Useless Lump. His thoughts and feelings are powerless in this situation, as there are two far more powerful forces at work today, sonny Jim. Similar to the previous point, he provides a quick eye flick that gives us all we need to heighten this awkward situation.
- What happened after this clip was likely to be murder. Ladies bicker all the time, but this was some next level shit. The shouting was unprecedented, but also necessary to get through to this blatantly stubborn broad. She’s just offering her opinion gal, take it or leave it, yeah? She’s not saying she knows what’s good for you, she’s only trying to help. I’d hazard a guess that what followed was a double homicide by, plot twist, the man. Please don’t verify this, it’s more fun if we don’t.
5. I can’t believe you’ve done this
- His outfit instantly lets the viewer know that he’s going to make a fool of himself. It’s apparent from the outset. Cycling sunglasses – check. Tie around head – check. Bicycle chain necklace – check. They say you should dress for the job you want, so this guy is definitely applying for the position of Chief Dickhead at a teen disco. Good thing he took off those sunglasses so we could get a better look at what category of arsehole we’re dealing with here.
- The initial display of swagger is vital. He does a cheeky look to the right of camera before eventually giving us, the viewers, the attention we so desperately crave. The moment his sunglasses come off, we’re hooked. “So basically”, those two words that could’ve been crafted by Shakespeare himself. There’s a movement in his shoulders that suggests he’s here to be a legend and eat his Mum’s lasagne, and he’s just finished his Mum’s lasagne.
- We’ll never find out what he was “thinking of”. Literally never. There’s no way to find out. For all we know, that poor boy was about to unveil the secrets of the universe and/or Victoria, but now we’ll never know. He was rudely interrupted, perhaps to prevent this information from seeping out into the world. There’s also a chance he was about to tell us that his new EP ‘Being A Dickhead’ is now available on MySpace, so every cloud.
- We’ll never truly know who punched him in the head. And maybe, deep down, we don’t want to know. It could’ve been a friend, a lover, a family member, a personnel belonging to MI5, or a household intruder. The point is, the mystery puncher wasn’t messing about. All we know is that he/she wore a bracelet quite high on his/her arm, but other than that, it’s a needle in a haystack. That makes this Vine even more brilliant, as the wonder of the unknown is captivating and eternally joyous.
- Nobody has ever been more eloquent in a moment of intense pain. Having surprisingly never been punched in the head (yet), I can only imagine the pain that must ensue. It’s likely that my first reaction would be ‘FUUUUUUCK’, followed by a string of expletives. But not this champ. He somehow musters up a coherent sentence that linguists are likely to marvel at for many years to come. “I can’t believe you’ve done this”. It’s so succinct it genuinely terrifies me.
- What happened next will forever remain a mystery. Forever. Sure, we could track down the guy and ask, but where’s the fun in that? Let’s imagine some very eloquent heated words were exchanged, perhaps a tear or two, a year of therapy and reconstructive ear surgery. Many years later, will he finally come to believe that they guy had “done this”? Will he wake from his slumber in a cold sweat from the harsh and painful reality finally setting in? Fuck knows.
6. RIP in peace xx
- This is potentially a suicide. Although we can never truly be sure, that flying fairy may very well have just committed suicide in front of our eyes. The specifics of the incident are hazy, while the viewer is unsure as to what they’re actually looking at, it’s still very funny but also tinged with a sadness. Did she leave a note? Was this planned? We may never know.
- The fairy appears to say goodbye. When she first ascends, the fairy heads towards the little girl, much to her delight. Was she saying goodbye? Was she crying for help? Either way, it’s hysterical. The girl’s happiness so quickly turns to devastation, I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. The end result is maximum enjoyment for all, except her.
- The fairy never loses her grace, not even for a second. There’s something very elegant and poised about the flying fairy’s movements. Her posture is flawless, her outfit is timeless and there’s an air of mischief about her. Although plunging to her untimely death, the fairy never loses her grace. It’s reminiscent of the band continuing to play right up until the moment the Titanic sank.
- Everyone just stands idly by as this untimely loss of life occurs. Nobody makes a split second decision to dash for the fire. Sure, it’s basic fire safety to keep away from it, but if you love your fairy or children enough, surely you’d at least try to prevent harm from befalling your family. Not this bunch of scum. There’s a scream of terror, but it’s obviously not alarming enough to cause anyone to get off their backside and do something. Just keep filming Dad, fair play.
- It’s unlikely that the children ever fully got over this. Initially, there appears to be just one child present, but as the screams begin to deafen us, it becomes apparent that there’s at least a second child. Dealing with death is tough, you can tell them the dog went to live with Grandma, but when something so brutal is right in front of their innocent eyes, what can you do? Those children are older now, they’re wiser, but did they ever forget about that fairy’s horrific death? Unlikely.
- Shit 100% went down after this was filmed. Guaranteed, there were enough tears to fill a wedding cake factory. Promises of a new fairy would’ve been thrown around, but ultimately, Christmas was ruined that year. On the plus side, that fire would’ve burned brighter and for longer than ever before thanks to its latest victim. You can bet your butt a fire guard was purchased the next day, along with a new fairy and a six-month ongoing therapy session for all family members present. Godspeed, suicide fairy x