90s television was spectacular.
We were spoiled for choice. Between creepy cartoons, weird looking muppets and gripping high school dramas that were grossly exaggerated, our days were filled with almost too much content to numb our fragile little impressionable minds with.
But the time has come to face the truth. A lot of these shows had very misleading names and we were continually lied to every single time they went to air.
I'm still bitter. How dare they mislead us during our formative years. It's time to right this wrong.
From now on, your favourite 90s TV shows will be renamed as the following...
7th Heaven
Mad respect to the writers of this show for making it seem as though the Camdens had actually planned to have seven children. They were unreasonably happy with the fact that they found themselves with seven grubby little mouths to feed. Sure, Jan.
Art Attack
It was an attack alright, an attack on your lack of any creative tendencies whatsoever. Fuck you, Neil. You smug arty git. Nobody knows where you can even buy PVA glue, so you've blatantly just made it up.
Supermarket Sweep
The name suggested that a riveting show about the intricacies of cleaning a supermarket had finally been made. In reality, it was an uncomfortable display of people's unquenchable greed and desperation for cash.
Friends
Fair enough they were friends (and siblings) who all slept with each other at some point (except the siblings), but those apartments were completely unrealistic given their vague salaries. No way could those wasters afford rent. I smell benefit fraud.
Baywatch
While your juvenile eyes were watching it solely to gain water safety knowledge, others were not. To the delight of many,
came along at a time when porn was tricky to come by (lol). Those wardrobe designers knew exactly what they were doing.
That smug little American tween explained absolutely nothing, despite the show name's promise. She left us empty and feeling sad for Sam, her friend that climbed a ladder into her bedroom every single day for blatantly unwholesome reasons, but to no avail.
Depending on your age bracket in the 90s, it's possible that you'd never experienced the sensation of being high, until you watched
Also, why do they all look like they've just stumbled in on you in the shower?
This show should've been awarded the No-bell Prize because there were no bells whatsoever. Bayside High was a far cry from most of our secondary school experiences. Where was the tarmac playground? The ugly teens that weren't familiar with the concept of deodorant just yet? Those kids didn't know hardship like we did.
Two middle aged brothers spending all their time together and getting into all sorts of mischief? Nobody was brave enough to say it at the time, but I'll say it now: There was something untoward going on between those men and I'll do my utmost to prove it.
Poor Leo got an earful every episode while Stelios continued to line his sturdy Greek silk pockets. We learned very little about the
itself, but an awful lot about the type of arseholes that congregate in an airport.
Technically, they were all extremely weak. Nobody ever fucking banked. Did they not want to win any money? Too many times we'd see the eventual winner walk away with a measly £2,000. What's that going to buy you? Two Freddos?
Very misleading name, none of the contestants were even blind! They should've called it what it was, a bunch of blood thirsty animals on the lookout for their next prey, also extremely willing to mortify themselves on the telly.
Naming a show after the two lead characters is just lazy tbqfh. Yeah, we know their names are Kenan and Kel, why not challenge our fragile 90s minds by calling it something like 'The Hallucinatory Effects of an Overconsumption of Orange Soda'?
A CAT AND A DOG CANNOT COMBINE TO CREATE A CATDOG IT IS AGAINST THE RULES OF NATURE AND ALSO WHERE DO THEY PEE FROM? WHAT IF THEY BOTH WANT TO WALK IN SEPARATE DIRECTIONS, WILL THEIR BODY SPLIT IN TWO?
Because they never stopped fucking moaning for the entirety of the show. Also, no mother and daughter have ever been that close. It was misleading both in name and practice.
Yeah we get it. They're twins, they look the same, they came out of the same vagina. Twins. Reunited at last. Got it. Thanks.
