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7th March 2017
06:02pm GMT
Photo: Drunk History
I went to Portugal once when I was 18 and we got a room for 50p for a night - it ended up just being a bit of corrugated iron in someone’s back garden! Anyway, we didn’t care because we were young. We got very, very drunk and went back and I lay down on the grass and I found a nice little mound to rest my head on. I woke up the next day and I was absolutely covered from head to toe with ants! They were in my ears and coming out my nose because the little mound was actually an ant hill.
Photo: Joe Wilkinson
Myself and Roisin Conaty tried to catch a pigeon in Leicester Square once whilst drunk. That was the focus of a good 25 minutes of our lives.
Photo: Luisa Omielan
I think the worst drunk story I have is being an absolute creep. I was upset over a boy and went to a gig and had way too many tropical punches. This guy was being really sweet and offered to get me a cab, I told him to come with me, he refused. He said, "You are wasted and need to go home." I said, "Come with me, it's fine. I have a spare room." He said okay, we got in the cab, had to pull over whilst I was violently sick. Got in to my place, I climbed into bed. He said, "Where is your spare room?" I ripped the covers back and said "I lied! Climb in!" He quickly left. Thank God.
Photo: Kerry Howard
The last time I got drunk, like proper "put her in a home drunk" was eight years ago. I used my pashmina as a bucket to catch my sick! I know, real classy. The pashmina never made it. However, I still stand strong.
Photo: Drunk History
My story is about choking on champagne in front of a naked glamour model. I was solidly in relationship from the age of 16 onwards: never been single, never had a one-night stand. You know, one of those serial monogamists. I split up from my girlfriend and I thought that’s it, I’m going to be single for a year. I though, "I’m going to get drunk off my head tonight, I’m going to do something wild." Every lad does it. So I was speaking to a friend of mine and she said that her friend was interested in me, and she showed me a picture of her friend. You know when someone winds you up and sends you a picture of a fit model and they’re just making fun of you? Well this was actually the person that wanted to meet me at this party tonight, so of course that made me drink even more through sheer fear. I was buzzing and completely drunk off my head. I’d been doing a TV show that day so I had a suite at The Dorchester Hotel. If Uber had been around then I would have hit the Lux button! I was so drunk and as soon as the hotel door closed and we were in there together I thought, "I’m not sure I actually want to go through with this." There was no kissing, nothing - she just instantly stripped! I tried to work out a way to keep my socks and pants on because I was too shy. She goes into the mini bar and takes out a bottle of champagne. I shit myself because I looked at the price list earlier, so by this point I’m really having a shit night: skint and paralytic drunk. She asks me to kneel down in front of her - remember I still have my pants and socks on! It was the most disempowered position I’ve ever been in. She said to me, "I’m going to feed you champagne." I think my head got confused with two of the most basic things a human can do: to swallow and breath. You really don’t want to mix those things up. In my drunken state I breathed in as hard as I could just as she poured champagne into my mouth so I basically inhaled champagne into my lungs. I really lost it, I was sick and coughing up in the foetal position on the floor and then she had to put me to bed!
Photo: Drunk History
I once woke up after a heavy night out at a bus stop at 8:30 in the morning. There were families there waiting to get the bus as I was sitting there with my belly hanging out and three buttons missing from my shirt. Drunk History is back on Comedy Central UK on Wednesday March 8th at 10pmExplore more on these topics:
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