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24th July 2017
12:59pm BST
As I predicted, the glitter from that fucking glitter party is still rampant throughout the villa and also the islanders' bodies. I knew this would happen. The Lord himself knew it would happen, yet it somehow still got the green light to go ahead. What kind of a sadistic freak made the decision to host a glitter party in a confined villa where ten people have to cohabitate? I simply cannot stress enough how idiotic the decision to have a glitter party was. Why couldn't they just have a good old fashioned foam party, or get a bouncy castle? The aftercare is minimal and everyone has a good time, then goes home satisfied.
That party took place three episodes ago. That's 72 hours in which the mass influx of glitter has reached the island. Has any of it shifted? No, absolutely fucking not. At this point, it's a mercy vote for those you want to leave the island. I'm not voting for my favourites anymore, I'm voting for who I believe deserves a sweet release from that godforsaken villa, where they can burn their clothes and everything that touched the sparkly soil. We're now in a situation where every remaining contestant will be finding glitter on their person for at least the next calendar year. Was it really worth it, Love Island producers?
2. Chris massacred the entire villa, crowning himself the eventual winner
It was like nothing we'd ever seen on television before. Chris just fucking flipped and started biting the islanders to death one by one. He sucked their blood clean out, then carefully removed all of their organs for recycling. It was tough to watch, initially viewers thought it was part of the challenge, but it quickly became clear that it wasn't as he began to chow down on Amber's ears. At times, it seemed as though Chris was sleepwalking. His eyes were lifeless, with very little thought appearing to take place in his brain. Turns out he was fully lucid.
Realistically, this is the only way the show could ever come to an end. It was made very clear from the start that only one remaining islander would win in the end, by whatever means possible. Although the rest of the islanders are now dead, they most certainly respect Chris even more, albeit from the afterlife. He saw the opportunity to get ahead and he took it. The £50k prize money will go a long way towards his bail money when he's charged with 9 counts of murder. Chris did what he had to do. The man is a survivor.
3. They stole my shitty joke from four weeks ago and turned it into a challenge
https://twitter.com/JOE_co_uk/status/880157889108824069
Admittedly, it's a fucking chronic joke that approximately 95% of the population has made at this stage in the game, but I'm still claiming intellectual property theft. For this particular challenge, islanders had to stick sheets of paper on their partners, with the winners ending up with the most accumulated sheets on their body. Regardless of the specifics, we all need to acknowledge that the producers have run out of challenges for the contestants at this stage, and that's absolutely fine.
We're 42 episodes deep, it's a lot to ask of them to still be producing the goods at this stage. There's been some stellar challenges to date, particularly the one where they had to transfer liquids between their mouths and were gagging the entire time. I don't blame the game makers for losing momentum this far into proceedings. It was inevitable. They've seen the memes, they've certainly seen the tweets, they are woke individuals. I wouldn't be surprised if they have a final challenge tonight which is just to neatly make their beds in preparation for the delightful Spanish family that are moving back into their glitter-sodden villa tomorrow morning.
4. Kem and Amber made a baby
As we all know, the only successful way to make a baby is clearly being demonstrated above. Kem and Amber are no strangers to this arduous process and it appears to have gone off without a hitch, meaning we can expect our very first Love Island baby in 9 months time. For those that are complete morons or simply missed that day in school, I will now briefly explain how to make a baby. First, the couple will wash themselves from head to toe in a saline solution. It's imperative that they properly exfoliate and plug any orifices with cotton wool.
Next, the couple will use their mouths to transfer a hen's egg from one basket to another. They need to be incredibly delicate, ensuring not to awaken the dark spirit of our overlords during this part of the ritual, or bad things will happen and the baby will grow up to be a vegan. Once the egg has successfully been placed in the intended receptacle, the couple will delicately rest their buttocks upon it for a period of 9 months, keeping it warm yet allowing it the space to adapt to its climate. Then, the baby will hatch and enter this cruel and unforgiving world which makes a celebrity out of literally anyone these days. Congratulations Kem and Amber!
5. Montana's Mum is an absolute savage
From the moment she arrived in the villa, it was total bliss. She immediately scolded Montana by telling her to 'STOP SWEARING', which forced a swift apology from Montana. Then Montana, brazen as you like, brought up the subject of her having sex on TV, to which her Mum said "What was the last thing I said to you when you left the house?", which prompted Montana to say "Mum, it's so hard", to which her Mum replied, "Well you didn't try that hard, did you?". The savagery, it burns.
Although we didn't find out precisely what her Mum said before she left the house, I'm guessing it was along the lines of 'DO NOT HAVE SEX ON THE TELLY YOU FUCKING DEGENERATE OR I WILL KILL YOU'. To add to the savagery, when Montana's family met Alex's, the tirade continued with Montana's Mum saying to Alex "Do not let her take advantage of you and do not treat her like too much of a princess". Right on the spot, Montana's mother Christened herself as the baddest bitch out of all the Love Island parents. Respect, girl.
6. Camilla's Mum likes cows too!
In what is sure to be the most defining moment of this series of Love Island, Camilla's Mum turned around on her way out of the villa to let Chris know that she too likes cows. She had just said her goodbyes to her precious daughter, when she gave Chris a quick hug to let him know her true feelings on the domesticate ungulates. It was a tender moment between two strangers, whereby one decided to make a connection based on similar interests and a deep desire within to befriend the nation's sweetheart.
It was difficult to decipher whether Camilla's Mum was referring to the animal, or Chris' choice of partner to couple up with, but I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt in this situation and believe that it was an honest and heartfelt statement regarding actual cows. If it does transpire that Cam's Mum was making a very sly dig at Olivia, then I will publicly retract my praise for her and then swiftly hail her as a hero with even more praise than initially offered because that will easily go down as the purest form of savagery we've seen on our television screens since Will Young beat Gareth Gates on Pop Idol in 2002.
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