The category should be called Best MOVIE, not Best Picture.
Finally, the nominations for this year’s Academy Awards have been released. Most of the nods were to be expected, with very few surprises cropping up, aside from the fact that The Emoji Movie was criminally snubbed in every category.
However, did you notice anything wrong with the nominations for Best Picture? Well, none of them were pictures, for one. They’re all movies. It’s a farce.
Not content with simply complaining about this injustice, I have drafted some alternative nominees for Best Picture at this year’s Academy Awards.
Behold, the more deserving nominees.
1. Ferry Rider
Imgur
This beautiful collection of people are getting a photograph together to cement this wonderful ferry memory so that it may last a lifetime. They are besotted with life, one of them has a coffee, the child has a laptop for some reason, their legs are out. Everyone is happy. A man is taking in that sweet sea breeze in the background as he casually mounts and rides the lady to the left of the picture. Some say it is an optical illusion, but I believe it to be a very short-legged man riding a lady across the sea. It’s 2018, anything is possible. Are you telling me this image doesn’t have as good a storyline as The Shape Of Water? Get real.
2. Lawn Dad
YouTube
If there’s a more Dadder Dad in the world, please can he make himself known to the relevant authorities. This bozo legitimately said “halfway through the mowing process, it started forming a tornado and I just kept my eye on it”. He just kept his eye on it. No big deal. That tornado wasn’t going anywhere so long as Turbo Dad kept a watchful eye on its advance. It was a Canadian tornado, so unlikely to do much damage without apologising profusely for it, but regardless, mad respect to Dad of the year. What a picture.
3. Kitesurfing Obama
CNN
Bro-bama was off kitesurfing with Richard Branson when this powerful image emerged. The world is still mourning the loss of our loveable Dad, so to see him blatantly having such a wonderful time without us was bittersweet. Sure, he’s free to do as he pleases now, but could he try not to rub our faces in it? Especially not with Richard Branson of all people? Our crazy stepdad is awful, please come back Barack. We’ll be good now, we’ll put away our toys before bed. Promise.
4. The Orb Touch
NY Times
Like something straight out of a sci-fi movie, President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi of Egypt, King Salman of Saudi Arabia, Melania Trump and President Trump were photographed at the opening of an anti-extremist centre in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. The ensuing memes were so dank, they required protective eyewear during consumption. I’m not too deluded to say it. This image is better than The Post. Meryl Streep, Tom Hanks and Saul could never.
5. Trump Dog Ear
https://twitter.com/JackedYoTweets/status/927006943159472129?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw&ref_url=http%3A%2F%2Findianexpress.com%2Farticle%2Ftrending%2Ftrending-globally%2Fdonald-trumps-face-and-dogs-ear-resemblance-4927843%2F
This gets my personal vote for Best Picture 2018. You simply cannot argue with the facts here. That dog’s ear looks exactly like Donald Trump. Between the bulbous nose and puffy eyes, it’s uncanny. Once in a lifetime the perfect picture comes around, and we are looking at it right here. Tell me what Get Out, Dunkirk and Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri have on this? Not a patch, that’s what. Also, they are movies and this is a picture. The Academy snubbed this image for Best Picture because they are afraid of the truth. Dog ears hold the secrets to the universe.
6. Superhuman Girl
British Olympic boxer Josh Kelly posted an innocent photograph with his girlfriend whilst on holiday in Spain. That’s where the story should end, but we are living in the golden age of the internet, my dudes. Many users pointed out that it appears as though Josh’s girlfriend is somehow lifting that entire tree behind with great ease, although it’s actually due to the photographer’s poor use of flash and the similarity in colour between her handbag and the tree. Their rigid smiles add to the hilarity, making this a very solid contender for Best Picture 2018.
7. Manchester, United
Telegraph
This modern Renaissance painting is art, pure and simple. Although taken in 2016, it deserves to be nominated for an Academy Award every damn year until the end of time, such is its perfection. It has everything: an elegant drunk man, an active arrest, a Superdry shop, nonchalant passersby, a hoard of onlookers and some people eating kebabs. Find me a more deserving winner of Best Picture 2018. I dare you. I quite literally dare you.
8. Fiona’s Proposal
People
If you missed the story about the most important person of 2017, kindly log off the internet forever and hire someone to beat some sense into you. For those that are normal, Fiona the hippo will have brought more light into your life than you ever thought possible this year. Her chubby little face will have graced your various timelines in a far more deserving manner than any Kardashian, and for that, we are all truly blessed. But tragedy struck. Fiona was subjected to a proposal and did not approve. Nor should any of us. Do not propose in front of hippos, ever. They do not care. Solid 10/10 picture though.
9. Steve
Steve from Stranger Things is the coolest bro alive. He’s got uncontrollable hair, he’s in a band, he appears to have access to a dog and he gets to star in one of the best TV series of all time. When he emerged on Snapchat tenderly caressing a dog, accompanied by a champagne flute and a bedraggled expression, the internet, excuse the profanity, communally shit itself. You’re telling me that Lady Bird, a film about a teenage girl is a better picture than this? It is not, because it is a movie, not a picture. This is a worthy nominee of Best Picture 2018. The Academy needs to recognise it immediately or feel the wrath of the internet.
Cast your vote to right this wrong:
