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27th July 2017
05:49pm BST
Firstly, there's no way The Queen requires the use of her gloves at the end of July. Particularly on the day in question, 27th July 2012, when the average temperature was 20°C. Gloves were absolutely off the cards on that day. The average wind speed was 7km/h, so it was a clammy day. The only acceptable gloves for 27th July 2012 were oven mitts and goalkeeping gloves. That's it. I realise that at the time, Queen Elizabeth II was 86 years old, but she is still susceptible to the weather, just like the rest of us. She may be worth over £300 million, but she still feels the piercing heat of the sun just like everyone else.
Although she's been known to favour carrying her own handbag, I refuse to believe that Queen Elizabeth would ever carry her own gloves, which are redundant in such warm weather anyway. There's a servant to her left, an actor to her right and two plump puppers to her front. Her Majesty is not short of carriers. What we need to examine here is why the opening ceremony of the London 2012 Olympics is leading us to believe that The Queen would ever carry her own gloves? There is some sort of conspiracy theory waiting to be evolved here, and I pray that someone will undertake it. I've done the groundwork, now it's up to you.
Prince Philip wore earplugs because he detests Sir Paul McCartney
Never has a man more proudly displayed his blatant lack of respect for musical prowess than Prince Philip did at the London 2012 opening ceremony. It was frankly uplifting to see such bravery, but no doubt a bit of a kick to Sir Paul. He was the main act of the ceremony, but he and Prince Philip have never seen eye to eye. Their feud began in 1972 during a rousing game of tiddlywinks. Given that Price Philip was royalty, everyone at the table knew they needed to throw the game so that he could win, otherwise they'd be publicly beheaded.
Sir Paul McCartney, ever the miscreant, decided that he would provoke a fair outcome of the game. He's never thrown a game of tiddlywinks in his damn life and he wasn't about to start now. With that, Sir Paul played the best game of tiddlywinks the world has ever seen. He cleared the place, he was untouchable. All of his achievements with The Beatles meant nothing in comparison to the show he'd just put on. Sir Paul beat Prince Philip so severely, Philip was rumoured to have spent six weeks in bed mourning the loss of his good name. In the ultimate act of defiance, he wore those earplugs with pride to the opening ceremony, like a lad.
Mr. Bean took a photo the same way everyone's Mum does
The national treasure gave an amusing musical performance which even Prince Philip was said to have briefly taken out his earplugs for. It was a great time for all involved, but none more than all the Mums present in the arena and watching at home. What you're seeing above is a carbon copy of every single Mum that has taken a photograph with her smart phone. The eyes are locked into the screen, looking for the true meaning of life or simply how to operate such a complex device.
The hand is firmly gripped around the phone, usually with a fingertip in the way of the lens, so we'll give Mr. Bean a moment of recognition for managing to avoid that common occurrence. The most important factor in this process is the gaping orifice also known as his mouth. By opening your mouth and displaying a subtle hint of your tongue, this actually adds to the image stabilisation process. What you lack in photography skills, you more than make up for with a concentrating face. If necessary, squint a bit to emphasise that you're looking extra hard at the screen. Congratulations, you have turned into a Mum.
Tim Berners-Lee, the inventor of the internet, typed on a fake computer
Sir Timothy was invited along to the ceremony, which was streamed live worldwide on his invention. In a truly moving tribute to the man who has connected the entire world together with the click of a mouse, they decided to hide Tim in a fake house, which majestically raised into the night sky to reveal him fake typing on a fake computer. The computer was old as shit, probably a Windows 95, and rather than having a fully functioning screen displaying the information superhighway that Tim literally invented, they just had a blinding yellow light emitting from it.
Was this a fitting tribute to the man who connected us all to the internet? Fuck no, but it was funny to watch. I wonder what was going through his head the entire time. Probably "Well, this is degrading". Although he seems like a very kind man, so it's more likely that he didn't overthink things in the same way that I do. If I was in charge of producing the London 2012 opening ceremony, I would've had Tim Berners-Lee and the ghost of Steve Jobs debating the correct strategy for sliding nudes into peoples' DMs, but I'm a piece of shit.
The Queen was caught picking her nails when Team GB walked out
In all fairness to Her Majesty, it was over three hours into the opening ceremony when we finally got to see Team GB walk out into the arena. Chris Hoy was close to tears as her carried the British flag with immense pride, but the same unfortunately cannot be said about the Queen of England. Perhaps the overwhelming excitement of the evening had finally gotten to Her Majesty, or her people had failed to alert her to the fact that Team GB were entering the arena, but that is a stunning piece of memeable content.
Five years on, it feels like this is a safe space to say what needs to be said: The opening ceremony was far too long. Four hours is not an acceptable amount of time for anything. My attention span has a maximum length of three minutes. That's it. Once I get past that point, I've got nothing left to give. The Queen, I'd imagine, is in a similar position. She was sat with a heavy spotlight on her for four hours, having to feign interest in some questionable dance routines and clap at regular intervals. She was 86. Let the woman go home to a hot cup of milk, then bed.
Matt Helders wore the most glorious tracksuit the world has ever seen
We came for the opening ceremony, but we stayed for the style. Straight after Team GB marched their way around the arena, viewers were treated to Arctic Monkeys' classic 'I Bet You Look Good On The Dance Floor', complete with a dazzling pyrotechnics display. But those fireworks didn't stand a chance against Matt Helders, who debuted what fashion experts have described as 'a monumental piece of tracksuit wear'. All eyes were on Helders, as he bashed those drums with the ferocity and determination of a fashion icon establishing himself in the world of style.
It appears to have been inspired by the Orange Order's distinctive sashes that they wear during public outings, a daring move that reminds us all that fashion knows no bounds. For some, comfort trumps style every time, but what Matt appears to have done is hit the nail clean on the head in both respects. He's even had his surname stitched into the back of the jacket. He's part of Arctic Monkeys, the man can do whatever the fuck he likes. Tracksuit sales went up 400% after his opening ceremony performance and he went on to design Pippa Middleton's wedding dress.
David Beckham was the best helper on the day
God bless David Beckham and God bless the United Kingdom. A very dramatic scene took place towards the end of the ceremony, whereby the Olympic torch was transported via boat to Sir Steve Redgrave. That brings the total number of Sirs that appeared in the ceremony up to just shy of four million. Sir Steve was waiting for the boat to dock, at which point he tilted the torch to light it off another torch. That's right, plot twist, there's more than one Olympic torch.
David Beckham hurried himself to the front of the boat, at which point he assisted Steve in lighting his torch. Beckham appeared to turn a little knob on the side of the torch to release the gas so that it would light quicker. It feels like an unnecessary job, one your Mum gives you to keep busy and out of her way. Here you go David, you can turn the special lever which Steve could've done himself. Well done, you are the best helper today and will definitely be getting dessert later. All credit to Becks, he turned that tiny lever like a champ.
Sir Paul McCartney was placed beneath a bell-end
Now this was done in bad taste. It's very likely that the organisers would claim coincidence in this particular situation, but it's clear for all to see that this was a deliberate and sinister move. Sir Paul is being portrayed as a bellend and although some might agree, it's still a worldwide stage that he's being embarrassed on. Is Sir Paul McCartney a bellend? Legally, I cannot share my particular views on the man, but I can speculate that many would be of the opinion that he is.
But who is responsible for this overlooked element of the opening ceremony? Well, if you cast your mind back to the second point of discussion above, you'll remember that Prince Philip openly wore earplugs to the event. Was that done to protect his ears? Absolutely not. That game of tiddlywinks between himself and Sir Paul is fresh in his mind. He wants revenge and will stop at nothing. Prince Philip instigated this entire thing. Finally, he has achieved revenge on his mortal enemy. Thank you, London 2012 Olympics opening ceremony for reminding us all that there is a substantial amount of ongoing beef between Prince Philip and Sir Paul McCartney.
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