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28th March 2018
02:01pm BST
It's like seeing your mate's aunts and uncles at a 21st birthday party. You know what their parents look like, but then you're introduced to their siblings, who have faces that are just slight variations on the parents' familiar mugs. Seeing your mate's Mum's face on a male will never not be a troubling experience. My point here is that the human race all looks far too similar and we need to look into getting rid of a few people to eliminate this furore.
2. Noel tried to walk on a rolling pin like some kind of cartoon mouse
His reaction to being caught doing this on camera gave us a glimpse into how Noel spends his time in between presenting bits. He was concentrating heavily on doing some form of a walking motion with a small wooden rolling pin, when he looked up to discover that he had been caught on camera the entire time. He tried to justify his behaviour but it was pointless, Britain had already seen his performance. This kind of candid content further reinforces the widely-held belief that Noel Fielding is the most precious man alive and we must protect him at all costs.
3. Prue asked Lee why he hadn't got twelve brownies, so he cut them all in half
It sounds a lot less funny written down, but it was quite a spectacle to behold at the time. Lee's presentation plate had six brownies, so Prue asked if he knew how to count. Lee expressed dissatisfaction at having to do everything himself, picked up a cake knife and aggressively chopped all six brownies down the middle. All credit to his mathematical skills, the plate then contained twelve brownies. Paul, Prue and Noel found it difficult to stifle their laughs as Lee's lack of baking knowledge was firmly made up for with his expert comic timing.
4. Melanie Sykes got a Hollywood handshake and instantly became infected with his dodgy tan
She made peanut butter blondies (lighter versions of brownies, obviously) and received the first Hollywood handshake of the day. Melanie joked that he was only shaking her hand because he wanted to touch her, but clearly it was because Hollywood wanted to infect someone else with his dodgy tan disease. Poor Melanie went from a regular human shade to a Terry's Chocolate Orange in seconds. Standing next to Noel Fielding, the pair looked like the rind and flesh of an orange. Hollywood must be stopped.
5. Joe Lycett tried to bribe the judges with adoration
That's written with icing, just for clarity. The technical challenge is always judged blind, but that didn't stop Joe Lycett from chancing his arm at a quick bribe for the judges. He doesn't really love Paul Hollywood, nobody does. But for the sake of winning celebrity GBBO, it's worth selling your soul to the devil. If I was a crass individual, I'd suggest that the message was written with a far more sinister liquid than icing, but I won't do it. I will not let myself down on this particular occasion.
6. Noel and Sandi gave birth to a beautiful baby boy
It's got Noel's everything, but Sandi's eyes. What a gorgeous baby boy. Congratulations to the happy couple! A new life has been brought into the GBBO tent and it will be standing on rolling pins and making cringeworthy puns direct to camera in no time.
7. Melanie's Frida Kahlo cake was utterly chilling
Allow me to set the scene: You arrive home after a night out. It was your birthday, you went a bit wild and uploaded several Instagram story boomerangs. Everyone was on form, even your mate Tommo who's usually a dry arse. You burst through the door, with nothing but the torch on your phone to illuminate your path. You reach the kitchen and recoil in horror as the above cake greets you through the doorway. It's sitting on the counter, with two piercing yet dead eyes looking right through your soul. Happy Birthday, champ. Love, Melanie Sykes.
8. Griff gave @WeWantPlates a generous piece of content
Griff, Griff, Griff, Griff, Griff. Mate. Just because your cake resembled some compost, that does not permit you to serve it upon a shovel. There is no excuse for ever serving a food item on anything other than a plate. The judges seemed impressed with the cake, failing to highlight the error of Griff's ways. But such is their professionalism. Perhaps they don't get irritated by that kind of thing, or maybe they're conspiring with each other, drumming up some coverage for We Want Plates. I've said too much. Trust no one.
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