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25th October 2017
03:06pm BST
Forget the complaints Ofcom received about Noel sitting in a fridge, this latest escapade is sure to ruin the sanctity of GBBO indefinitely. During the opening sequence of last night's show, Noel and Sandi were seen verbally abusing a hen because it hadn't produced enough eggs to keep up with the demands of the bakers. I've highlighted this potential problem in previous weeks, suggesting that it's not unreasonable to predict a worldwide shortage of eggs due to the GBBO bakers' mass consumption of them each week.
Sandi began the outburst by calling the hen an 'ugly little prick', then began to insult every member of its immediate and then distant family. Noel held the hen in place, whilst whispering such offensive words as 'jerk', 'nonce' and 'period head' directly into its ears. It was deeply upsetting and GBBO should be ashamed of themselves for allowing such a scene to be included in the show. So far, I have lodged 75 complaints with Ofcom because I am a liar and I love the attention. I expect them to uphold the quibble with the utmost sincerity.
2. Stacey delivered the worst pun of the year and should therefore be burned at the stake
'Choux-nicorn' is fine, that's not what we're discussing here today. My issue is with 'Choux-moji'. 'Choux' does not rhyme with 'e'. I don't care if this is a baking contest, I expect a high standard of bakery puns as well. The fact is this, 'Choux-moji' doesn't make an ounce of sense. A pun is defined as 'a joke exploiting the different possible meanings of a word or the fact that there are words which sound alike but have different meanings'. Neither of these options are at play with 'Choux-moji'. I am livid.
*Spoiler Alert* Obviously Stacey went home last night and although Prue and Paul assured us that it was an incredibly difficult decision to make, I believe that to be a lie. Stacey was the only one being eliminated because she made a piss poor attempt at a pun and things like that just don't slide on GBBO. The bakes are sometimes shoddy but the puns are a constant source of enjoyment. Nobody is going to enter that tent, provide a shitty pun and then progress through to the next round. It goes against everything that GBBO stands for. Goodbye Stacey, you deserved it.
3. Stacey accidentally revealed herself to be a Simpson
Think about it. Does anyone really know what Stacey's surname is? I do. It's Simpson. Stacey Simpson revealed herself during last night's GBBO as she mopped some sweat from her brow. She's clearly been using a cocktail of products to dye her skin to a paler colour, but the palm of her right hand told a different story. That hand is more yellow than Coldplay's hit single in the year 2000. Stacey is a Simpson and frankly that's something she should've made clearer from the outset.
Stacey is part of the most beloved family in America. She's lying about her true identity which spurs the question: What else is she lying about? Is her first name even Stacey? Is it Marge? Was the 'Choux-moji' incident some kind of sick prank that Bart came up with? Has she been using her fame to influence the judges to get this far in the competition? It's the semi-finals and nobody can be trusted anymore. We don't know who these contestants are. Is Steven from the Brady Bunch? Is Kate a Moss? Is Sophie a Desperate Housewife? No one can be trusted.
4. Sophie's first attempt at baking Les Misérables slices looked better than my future, tbh
Aside from the drunken soldier second from the right in the first row, those slices look immaculate. Sophie had never made them before, but somehow knew precisely what to do and managed to produce some of the most attractive baking we've seen on this series so far. Those curly bits of chocolate on top have more structure and integrity than any aspect of my life and I'd imagine the lives of many others watching GBBO last night. Even the raspberries are the most aesthetically pleasing things I've seen in my short time on this godforsaken planet.
Sophie seems to have come out of nowhere and I for one am living for it. Steven has won star baker a staggering 1,200 times which is even more impressive given that this is only week nine. Now Sophie's through to the final and she's unleashing the big guns. Given that the above bake was her first ever attempt, all she needs to do to walk the final is get a good practice in during the week. Full disclosure, I have ended my support for Steven and I am now backing Sophie for the win. Get it girl.
5. Noel taught us that a gang of flamingos is called a flamboyance and now nothing else matters
Noel Fielding was born on 21st May 1973 and we owe a huge debt to his parents for creating such a wonderful soul. Last night, Noel treated us to the fascinating tidbit that a group of flamingos is indeed called a flamboyance. I have fact checked this information and it appears to be 100% true. We're now in a position where we need to look at the wider picture. GBBO would be an utter shambles this series if it wasn't for Noel Fielding. Sandi is also a delight, but Noel is doing most of the heavy lifting in the adorability department.
We will continue to pour one out for our fallen Mary Berry, Mel and Sue each week, but then refill our glasses with our respective beverages of choice to salute Noel Fielding being given this well-deserved opportunity to shine. He was an unconventional choice and at times seems to be on his very best behaviour by court order, but every so often we get a brief glimpse into the inner workings of his truly unique brain. I don't want Noel Fielding to ever leave us. He is as much a part of GBBO as the proving drawer. God bless us, everyone.
6. There was some more phallic baking, which frankly we've come to expect every week
Although she ended up being sent home, Stacey managed to provide us with this week's instalment of phallic baking before she packed her bags. You'd be forgiven for believing the above to be something untoward, when in reality Stacey alleged that they were kissing flamingos. Indeed, perhaps it is our perverse minds that are skewing the appearance of these seemingly innocent birds, with their long and bending neck shafts which have a bulging and slightly creased end.
What I want to see in next week's final of GBBO is one of the bakers having the bravery to make a literal penis cake. We've been deprived of their honesty for nine weeks, now it's time they come clean. I want to see one of the bakers proudly displaying an anatomically correct penis cake, to which the judges and presenters announce their appreciation. I won't rest until I hear Paul Hollywood saying "That's a brilliant penis cake. You've done yourself proud here today", followed by a golden handshake. Please GBBO. Just once.
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