Perfidious Albion Exposed! Mark Francois isn't real and works for Remain 7 months ago

Perfidious Albion Exposed! Mark Francois isn't real and works for Remain

It's very easy to mock Mark Francois, isn't it?

We're all at it these days. Laughing at him and his daft Little Englander diatribe. Sharing jokes on social media about how he's essentially a cross between Harry Enfield's Tory Boy and Harry Enfield's Angry Frank. Sniggering at his shouty half-mouth delivery and jumped-up half-pint pretensions. But answer me this: have you ever wondered whether it's a little too easy? The live-action Peter Griffin has gone from largely anonymous backbencher to smarmily ubiquitous face for Brexit in a matter of weeks, and no one has so much as batted a eyelid. Isn't that a bit... odd?

It makes you wonder, doesn't it? Makes you think there's something a little off. Especially if, like me, you've been watching quite a lot of Netflix real crime documentaries recently. If there's anything those shows teach you it's: a) never spend any time alone with two detectives otherwise you'll basically confess to anything, and b) the prosecution's prize witness is always full of shit. Anyway, that's not important right now. What is important is my theory that Mark Francois doesn't actually exist. He's an phantasm, a plasticine ball of deception and lies in an ill-fitting suit; a greasy-faced no-good made-up stooge.

That's right. I've blown this shit wide open and basically done some excellent journalism that deserves loads of awards. I put it to you that this 'Mark Francois' character is an invention of the Remain side to make the Leave campaign look bad. Or rather, look even worse. Isn't it a coincidence that such a ridiculous caricature of a man would suddenly pipe up just as we reach 'squeaky bum time' in Brexit negotiations? Isn't it weird how he repeatedly owns himself - and by extension the whole Brexit movement - with convenient absurdity that only strengthens the case for those seeking to maintain the status quo?

It's as if the country's finest satirists were locked in a room and made to rustle up an icon of right-wing idiocy whilst listening to David Bowie's 'Chubby Little Loser' from Extras. Even the name is deeply suspect. People have been mocking the irony of Nigel Farage spouting xenophobic bile whilst boasting an extremely Gallic-sounding name and having distant German ancestry for years. That's clearly been ramped up to 11 with Mark FRANCOIS. I mean, come on. Not only that but it's actually Mark Gino Francois and he's half-Italian on his mother's side? Worst name for a Eurosceptic since Michael Portillo.


Then you've got the laughable faux Andy McNab-esque braggadocio about being ex-army and therefore not someone to be meddled with, when the nearest he came to a service medal is Cashier of the Month at Lloyds Bank. Imagine going on telly with a straight face and uttering the words, "I was in the army, I wasn’t trained to lose...", as if you saw action in Iraq or Afghanistan, when the reality was that you joined the local Royal Anglian Regiment as part of the Territorial Army. And then trying to jazz it up on your website by stating it was 'during the Cold War.' I mean, it's beyond parody, and frankly shoddy writing.

A near-crucial mistake was trying to couple him with revered novelist and professional liberal elite Will Self on Politics Live. As a Shooting Stars alumnus, Self has plenty of experience in playing deadpan straight-man to outlandish comedy characters, but he had precious little to work with as The Artist Commonly Known as Francois froze in the spotlight and initiated a bizarre stare-off by way of a panicked ad lib. It very nearly blew the Remainiacs' cover completely, were it not for the fact that most televised Brexit discussions tend to end in similarly-ludicrous standoffs.

Since then, Project Breximbecile has moved into overdrive, with Francois very loudly and stupidly making a fool of himself via every channel available. Each interview is evidently a scripted nonsense designed to undermine anyone hoping to rid our proud nation of Brussels control - primarily because a faceless European authority is infinitely preferable to the spectacular idiots it would leave us with. And yet as vacuous as Francois may seem, he is cleverly and covertly promoting Remainer ideals under the pretence of speaking for the ERG and Brexit's most fanatical devotees.

How else do you explain the number of times he has perfectly mirrored very specific Remainer arguments under the shroud of Brexit bias? To condense the whole argument that the EU Referendum result was too close to call with his contention that a one-vote Parliamentary victory ‘did not represent a long-term, settled will’ was audacious to say the least. But then to follow that up by claiming - supposedly with zero irony and self-awareness - that he DEMANDED ANOTHER VOTE on the Prime Minister's future because ‘THE SITUATION HAS CHANGED’ was a *chef kiss* coup de grace in double agency.

With each passing day it becomes clearer and clearer that the creators of this preposterous persona were taking the piss from the very start and are just getting worse. This is, after all, the MP who claimed for *deep breath* Mars Bars, Snickers, Kit Kats, Starburst, Twiglets, Jaffa Cakes, Pot Noodles, Trebor mints, Häagen-Dazs, Pringles, lemon sorbet, Peperamis, wine gums, chocolate biscuits and ‘bags of sweets’ via parliamentary expenses. And now he has graduated from snacking at Tesco to attacking Brexit from within. You can quote Tennyson all you like ‘Mr Francois’, but as the Lord is our witness, we're onto you pal.