Comment | Politics | 6 days ago
COMMENT: All hail David Davis - the guffawing face of wilfully ignorant Brexit Britain
"He is precisely the type of gobby dickhead who'd get through to the interview stage on the Apprentice, before being eviscerated by Claude."

So here we are.

Misinformed about Brexit, blatantly lied to about Brexit, and then made to vote about Brexit - all in a dizzying climate of induced bigotry and inverse condescension. It is a word that everyone kept shouting, but no one really understood. Alas, we very marginally voted for it, and are well on the way to it, without being fully certain what it is, or will mean.

What the past week has made clearer than we'd like is that no fucker has a slightest clue. From the very top down, it's like an idiot pyramid. If you think of Brexit as a still cutesy mogwai, we're currently debating whether to feed it in the bath after midnight. Rules? Bah, fuck those. It's not so much a case of the blind leading the blind, as divs leading the divided.

The only thing that is certain is we're the dumbest guy in the room - in any room. All rooms. We haven't revised, and we're not even sure what test we're taking. Whilst everyone else is working away diligently, we're carving penises into our arm with a rusty compass. Sure, it'll only result in a failed exam and nasty infection but, lol, penises.

For a moment let us forget the whole myriad of complexities that Brexit entails, from citizens’ rights to trading agreements to an outstanding €50,000,000,000.00 bill, and let's focus primarily on the not insignificant Irish question.

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Ireland, quite understandably, want to ensure the least-worst scenario from something they neither wanted nor asked for. The EU, equally understandably, are supporting their member state. The DUP have their own agenda on one hand, and the Tories' balls in the other. And Her Majesty's government? Erm, agree to everything and hope no one talks to each other.

Did you catch that thing on the news the other day, when someone was asked to draw the border between Ireland and Northern Ireland, and basically slashed Galway in half? Well I guarantee you that person has a more nuanced understanding of the Good Friday Agreement than the Number 10 dunce collective of Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest, and David fucking Davis.

Which brings me, rather iteratively, to Double D himself. He is the Brexit Secretary in the most derogatory Urban Dictionary sense, and perhaps more than anyone embodies that prevailing Brexit disposition of arrogance married with ignorance. He is conceited in the extreme, whilst at the same time wilfully absent of any intel. He is loudly, and proudly, stupid.

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Davis is a bounder, a cad. A fly-by-night spiv, sans the pencil moustache and easy charm. He is precisely the type of gobby dickhead who'd get through to the interview stage on the Apprentice, before being eviscerated by Claude. Which is one thing, if you're looking to get ahead on the blag. It's quite another when the nation's socio-economic destiny is within your remit.

On Wednesday, Davis admitted to a Brexit committee that the government hadn't carried out a single impact assessment of the UK economy leaving the EU. This, in spite of the fact he'd previously suggested that such due diligence had taken place.

The bare-faced cheek of the admission was compounded when he was pressed by committee chairman Hilary Benn as to whether this included the automotive, aerospace and financial sectors. After sheepishly answer "No" to each, Davis twattishly interrupted: "I think the answer's going to be no to all of them."

It was a sign of irritation that sums dodgy Dave up to a tee. He was actually annoyed that his happy ignorance was being questioned. Again, descending to schoolboy metaphor as it seems most apt, it's akin to submitting a freshly curled out turd for your biology coursework, and then getting annoyed when it doesn't get you an A*.

Davis isn't remotely ashamed of his lack of preparation. Indeed he openly admits that he's "not a fan" of economic models because, according to him, they're "always wrong". Well, that's okay then, Uncle Nobhead - we'll just go off your gut-feeling then, eh? We'll risk the single greatest change in our constitution since the war on your ability to wing it.

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You get the sense that Davis doesn't really give a shit if it all goes to pot anyway. That his attitude towards results and outcomes is pretty much the same as his views on risk assessment and academic advice. It's all a matter of perception, ya see - how you can spin the facts to serve your agenda. I dunno, if in doubt, just blame immigrants again.

He is able to be so cavalier and baselessly cocksure because he can simply twist reality in a post-Brexit Britain, in much the same way he could and has in a pre-Brexit Britain. If anyone dares interrogate him on the evidence, he can just guffaw loudly in that gratingly entitled way of his, and flash a shit-eating grin. Stop quoting the facts, you nerd.

So yes, here we are. Dependent on a man so proudly ill-informed that he literally laughs in the face of questioning. An individual so aimlessly assured and idiotically designed that even his features resemble a clenched fist waving at nothing in particular. All hail David Davis - the face of Brexit Britain.

Watch Matt Lucas take us behind the scenes of British comedy on Unfiltered with James O'Brien


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Politics, Ireland, Brexit, Europe, European Union, Comment, David Davis