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06th May 2015

What if football managers ruled the country?

Trying not to make a manager-festo gag...

Matt Stanger

With the General Election fast approaching, we decided to look at what might happen if football managers ruled the country…

Arsene Wenger

A pro-EU bureaucrat, Wenger surprised his peers by filling his Cabinet with junior ministers from around the globe. His open-door immigration policy and micro-managing of the economy provoked calls of “spend, spend, spend” from backbenchers, but the lady was not for turning. Held a predictably terrible record on the NHS, with over-crowded hospitals leading to a lack of beds and long delays.


Alan Pardew

A self-styled playboy PM in the mould of Silvio Berlusconi, Pardew was widely rebuked for spending more time on the sunbed than in Cabinet meetings. Was the centre of a scandal involving the Chief Whip when he was overheard describing it as the “kinkiest position in politics”, but made amends and got her number at the Christmas party. Despite the distractions, he somehow managed to get results.

Brendan Rodgers

Despite his baffling political jargon, Rodgers’ blue-sky thinking helped drive his ‘Pathway to Generation Next’ through the polls. Once elected, he proved to be a master of spin, killing opposition motions with his expert filibustering. Rodgers’ downfall was eventually caused by internal wrangles with the so-called ‘transfer committee’ – an enduring power struggle that paved the way for his untimely departure.

Sam Allardyce

After ousting his predecessor in the Night of the Long Balls (sorry, not sorry), Big Sam struggled to convince the public of his policies. An unfashionable Prime Minister who himself had been the victim of regime changes in the past, Allarcyce was seen as a champagne socialist who turned his back on the unions. Repeatedly complained that he could have achieved more in government had he been leading a bigger party.

Jose Mourinho

While Mourinho undoubtedly achieved results with his ruthless Machiavellian leadership, he also won plenty of enemies during his tenure. Shameless photocalls featuring him riding shirtless on the back of a grizzly bear in the Yorkshire Dales did little to improve his conceited image, along with his party actively courting petrodollar funding.

Harry Redknapp

Spent his entire budget in the first month of office before complaining the Bank of England was “down to the bare bones”. Despite appointing his dog as the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Redknapp failed to kick-start the economy and served out a lame duck premiership, sorry ‘Premier League’.

Tim Sherwood

Sherwood’s ‘pints over policies’ approach to the election campaign helped build his reputation as an everyman. “Politics is a simple game,” he would tell supporters. “Ignore those establishment squares, I know what’s important to the man on the street.” Left the economy in the s**t after f**king up his percentages.

Jurgen Klopp

A radical left-winger and environmental activist, Klopp’s far-left policies resulted in the ‘polar bear in every home’ adoption plan…which inevitably caused huge strain on the NHS. Boosted the economy by opening hundreds of new penny-farthing factories, much to the delight of a bearded, tattooed, cereal cafe-frequenting electorate.

Nigel Pearson

After staging a military coup, Pearson pumped funding into Trident and beefing up the armed forces in the early stages of his dictatorship. His FOAD (“F**k Off And Die”) approach to international relations led to just the 37 wars during his reign. Still, all hail our Supreme Leader…

Malky Mackay