Eric Cantona takes aim at Luis Suarez and John Stones in topless rant

You can't say Eric Cantona's latest rant didn't have a point.

The self-appointed Commissioner of Football is back with another of his charming monologues for Eurosport. This time around, it was Paris Saint-Germain's Champions League capitulation against Barcelona that was the main focus of the meandering rant. One player who got a pretty awful time of it from the Manchester United legend was Barcelona striker Luis Suarez. He started off that segment by saying the Uruguayan was no longer a biter... and that's when the positivity ended.

“Suarez is not a biter any more, he’s a diver. Not a very good one, way too dramatic. Such blatant cheating with this hand on the throat, look of agony, bullshit! This is football porn. Kids should not be allowed to watch.”

https://twitter.com/Eurosport/status/845211386112360448 Then we came to the point of his spiel. We wouldn't want this to be pointless now, would we? The key to understanding the point is realising the importance of seven minutes. Once you grasp that, it will all become clear.

"Seven minutes is the time that Barca need to score three crucial goals. Seven minutes is the time it takes for Paris Saint-Germain defender Serge Aurier to put on his socks when called in as a sub in the French league. Seven minutes is the time Manchester City had qualified for the quarter final. "As it happens, seven minutes is also the average time for sexual intercourse. And don't say no, because you know it's true. Point of it is, don't have sex while watching football because you will miss a lot of things."

Manchester City and defender John Stones, in particular, were also targeted by the outspoken Frenchman. "Manchester City’s defence are not the only ones to blame for their very own infamous Brexit," Cantona added. "We know now why John Stones was so expensive: because he comes with a fully equipped trailer that he pulls behind him when he plays. "And the attack! Not a single shot in the first 45 minutes. The question now is not who is going to leave when summer comes, but rather, who is going to stay?"