Search icon


04th Jul 2017

21 summer transfers Manchester United will definitely make

How they'd look if they actually signed everyone they're linked with

Conan Doherty

It’s reported that these alleged rumours are believed to be taking place this week.

If they don’t, no-one will care because we read that much about the summer transfers Manchester United will make that we forget the last three we read at the sight of an outlandish bid for an attacker.

United fans might still be cursing the loss of Alex Ferguson and a time when chasing the title was almost mundane but if their mediocre performances in the last four seasons have brought us anything, it is the fun of having a desperate, filthy-rich, Galactico-hungry outfit in the Premier League who will go to any length in the transfer market just to show the world that they are much bigger than the table might suggest.

A broken salesman doesn’t show up in a bike; he shows up in a new car in the hope that the perception he’s projecting onto the world obeys the rules of attraction.

This time of year would be in serious danger of being boring if the anticipation of a new season didn’t rely solely on the transfer market.

There’s something innocent about the rumoured signings that every fan allows themselves to be duped by. Each club has about five names at the start of every summer that will do the rounds in every single media outlet and, whilst you know yourself that there isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that those transfers will be completed, it’s nice to play the game for a couple of months, blissfully ignorant of the actual reality of how pissed off your team makes you.

The press have latched onto the desperation of Manchester United fans in recent seasons. They’re looking for a messiah, they’re looking for hope of any kind so they’re sold false promises every summer that this superstar and that wonderkid are on their way to Old Trafford and the culmination of that is 21 different players being linked with the club aggressively all window.

United might sign one or two of these players – they might. But we’re told that every one of them are a done deal. And it’s always going to be completed tomorrow.

Here’s what their options would look like if they actually went ahead and bought all of their supposed targets in 2017.

The reality of each of these are sobering:

Hart: Why?
Donnarumma: Maybe if De Gea goes and it’s four years later.
Fabinho: Unnecessary.
Lindelof: Done.
Tierney: If they want someone to loan out.
Dier: When you have all that money, don’t spend it on Dier.
Matic: Chelsea would be well up for that.
Willian: Chelsea would be well up for that.
Nainggolan: Looks decent on YouTube.
Lucas Moura: PSG don’t want him so why not take some sloppy seconds?
Douglas Coasta: You can only dream.
James Rodriguez: Pointless.
Perisic: Crucial for the gegenpress – everyone needs to press now.
Ronaldo: How much do you have?
Neymar: How much do you have?
Morata: Likely.
Kane: Better.
Griezmann: Next year.
Lukaku: You never know.
Lewandowski: Christ.
Bale: Injured.