The 20 stages of English hype before every single major tournament
England are going to win the Euros. This time, it's definitely different.
The impressive 3-2 win over Germany in Berlin last weekend was a timely refuel of the country's hopes after several years of Roy Hodgson's sterling efforts to crush any modicum of excitement around the team.
Just when there seemed to be a suspicion of self-awareness and common sense about the team, a victory over the world champions saw England's humility dissipate quicker than Michael Johnson's career.
"Hello, I'd like to order an open top bus for 12th July..." pic.twitter.com/RRLPBafh5m
— JOE (@JOE_co_uk) March 26, 2016
Then, within the space of days, the defeat to the Netherlands brought us all crashing back down to earth with an almighty thump.
Even if we rally ourselves in time for the summer, we know that Hodgson's men won't win. But that won't stop us from repeating the vicious circle that's been spiralling for over half a century now.
England teams can't escape hype. And here are the stages that gets rattled through on a biennial basis.
1. England have a bad tournament.
England's nil all draw pretty much sums up England's whole World Cup #anticlimax
— Kat (@heyitskaatt) June 24, 2014
2A. England need an English manager - with passion.
England need an English manager and they need him asap. Hodgson, Redknapp and Pearce must be the shortlist and all would do similar jobs imo
— ChrisOrmie (@chrisormie) April 29, 2012
Love Sherwood's passion for the game, definitely need him as England manager
— K. (@Sweeney_96) May 3, 2015
2B. Or, England need a foreign manager - who has something to do with technical football.
Joke team. England will never win anything with an English manager. Need a quality foreigner
— 🇹🇹 (@StanIeyJ) November 15, 2013
England need a foreign, technical manager. Football is a global sport. People need to accept it. Hodgson is pants
— Broly (@BrolyMZ) September 3, 2014
3. But England don't have the technical quality.
#bbcworldcup Whoever is England manager is irrelevant ,the raw material is not, not enough technical quality across the whole squad.
— Millo💀 (@Jdmillo69) June 24, 2014
4. So England need a grass roots investigation.
i reckon england need foreign coaches at the bottom teaching the kids basic technical skills, not at the top (fab.cap), too late by then
— Stirling Gans (@gmans1) July 5, 2010
5. But they also need a scapegoat.
6. Then it's time to focus on mentality.
When a team doesn't play well, the conclusion we draw in England is "they don't care" or "not enough effort", never tactical or technical
— SimonBrundish (@SimonBrundish) September 20, 2014
7. And turn on the 'golden generation'.
England need to get rid of Rooney, Lampard and Gerrard, blood the youngsters and we'll have a decent team
— Locky (@__Locky) October 12, 2012
8. So England need to look to the future.
9. Before you now it, we realise the future is already sorted.
10. And an uncapped England player bolts from nowhere.
Normally I don't have any good thing to say about #Liverpool players but Sterling is quality player, glad he got his debut in game tonight!
— $ameer (@MrSameer_) November 14, 2012
11. England walk through their group (consitisting of Switzerland, Slovenia, Estonia, Lithuania, and San Marino).
I get wales are doing well & fair play but how are they ranked above England we have won every group game ...
— Ash Duffy (@ashduffy7) September 6, 2015
12. Then England win a big-time friendly.
13. Something about the technical football that England now boast.
atleast our english players that get into the england team now are more technical...good thing
— Mr. Pessimistic (@risingstar_brad) February 22, 2015
Best England performance I've seen in ages. Fast, strong, energetic, technical. I'm actually excited about the Euros! Alli was outstanding
— Andy Comyn (@AndyComyn) March 26, 2016
14. Not that anyone's getting carried away.
Not getting carried away. But England seem to have different mentality in matches
— James Camp (@james_campo) March 26, 2016
Not getting carried away but this is one of my favourite England teams I've watched!!!
— Alex Tokarczyk (@act133) March 26, 2016
Excellent England display tonight. Not getting carried away but a young, quick and fluid team #hope
— meaky (@MeakyLeon) March 26, 2016
Not getting carried away...its England...but these kids are good they're fighters they don't give up they'll do us proud #ENG
— mark (@markjamess13) March 27, 2016
Not getting carried away with England, but by far the best I've seen them play in ages. It'll be wrecked again when Rooney starts though.
— Adam Brown (@AdsBrown) March 26, 2016
15. F**k it, England can win the whole thing.
— Rory Nixon (@RoryNixon) March 29, 2016
I honestly can't believe I'm going to say this. England may actually win the euros
— Joel L (@JoelLangham) March 26, 2016
16. But then England lose a friendly.
Sigh. England beat. Anyone want to revisit their gung-ho tweets after the Germany game? #TrustMeKidsImSixtyNextYear
— Danny Baker (@prodnose) March 29, 2016
If an England manager can't maintain a consistent performance from one game to the next we're fucked. This is not difficult to understand.
— Danny Baker (@prodnose) March 29, 2016
17. The hype around England has already embedded in though.
18. England have a bad tournament.
19. Something about technical football.
Of course it's true that technical deficiencies and grassroots coaching are valid reasons why England are unlikely to win the World Cup
— Sam Down (@GreenSamPAFC) June 20, 2014
20A. England need an English manager.
Ive said it before i will say it again, the England job needs an English manager, we need someone who has passion for the country.
— Jo Lambert (@Jo_RW_lambert) February 8, 2012
20B. Or... England need a foreign manager.
England need a foreign coach with tactical awareness. Not boring Roy!!!
— Asad Kidwai (@sidkidwai) March 5, 2014