Paulinho admits even he has no idea why Barcelona signed him

Admitting that the entire debacle had left him feeling both hurt and confused, Paulinho today revealed that even he doesn't know why Barcelona have signed him. The Catalan side today announced the acquisition of the Brazilian midfielder after agreeing a £35 million fee with Chinese Super League giants Guangzhou Evergande. However, rather than expressing excitement at the biggest move of his career, the former Tottenham Hotspur reject has opened up about not being in any way clear about why they'd want to sign him in the first place. "When I heard of their interest I thought I'd be really excited and happy. But honestly, I'm just feeling sort of empty. I mean, why could they possibly want me when it's clear for anyone to see that there are a host of better options out there," said the 29-year-old Brazil international for Camp Nou this afternoon.

"Maybe the manager is trying to prove a point?"

"Maybe the manager is trying to prove a point? Perhaps he's sending a message to the board? Whatever it is it can't be good, I just know it, but I can't quite put my finger on it yet." According to sources at the Catalan club, numerous attempts to put Paulinho's mind at ease had so far proved unsuccessful, despite a variety of club stars trying to convince him he is wanted. "Leo Messi and Luis Suarez have both attempted to make him feel a part of the club. They've talked to him about his future here and how big his role will be, but he's just not having it. He thinks it's one big practical joke. It's not a great start to his Barca career," said manager Ernesto Valverde. At press time, Paulinho had reportedly requested a Powerpoint presentation containing a step-by-step guide on the club's decision and thinking behind signing him.

The events, characters and sporting organisations depicted in this article are fictitious, except where they're not. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Or very much on purpose. Our legal department would like us to stress it's just for lols, innit.