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22nd Nov 2018

N’Golo Kante finally exposed as a less than perfect human being

Kyle Picknell


It is, quite frankly, sickening how nice a bloke N’Golo Kante is.

Just last week he rocked up at my Mom’s house to wash her car. Before that, I once caught him rearranging my bookshelf to make it look more aesthetically pleasing. I told him to stop, but then he just started making me a stir fry instead. And when I took the pan out of his hands and told him to sit down and relax, “you’re my guest” I said, he just started liking all of my Instagram posts and leaving lovely motivational comments under all the pictures.

“N’Golo, please”, I tell him. “You don’t have to do that mate. Honestly.” I tell him all the time. I am sick of telling him, to be honest. I am actually sick of how nice he is, constantly, infinitely.

Getting rounds in. Check. Recovering loose balls in midfield and playing short simple passes to his more technically gifted teammates. Check. Overspending on the budget for Secret Santa. Check. Tirelessly tracking midfield runners even if they’re not his man. Check. Noticing your haircut and telling you how fresh it looks. Check. Refusing to be paid through an offshore bank account to maximise his earnings. Check.

This a perfect man and a perfect human being.

Or so it would seem.

You might want to sit down for this.

It appears that N’Golo Kante, previously considered the nicest human being ever to live, is actually not the flawless beacon of selflessness he is made out to be.

That’s right. It turns out he is the same as the rest of us, and therefore he is scum and he is dirt.

Do you know what he does? Do you know what N’Golo Kante does?

He visits the London restaurant Babbo, owned by his teammates David Luiz and Willian, and he feigns ignorance when presented with the bill.

Luiz told Chelsea TV: “They love it because normally they come here and they don’t want to pay. Especially N’Golo.”

Willian added: “If you ask N’Golo, ‘pay’, he does like that… ‘Yeah? I have to pay? Oh no! You and David you’re good, you have a good heart.'”

That sinking feeling you’re getting in the pit of your stomach? Yeah, me too. Here are a couple of popular memes to reflect upon this crushing, devastating news.

Me, upon discovering that N’Golo Kante occasionally goes out for a freebie meal at his mates’ restaurant:

Everything has turned from gold, into shit. 

Also me, upon finding out N’Golo Kante occasionally goes out for a freebie meal at his mates’ restaurant:

You were the chosen one!!!

Seriously though, imagining N’Golo Kante sat in their fancy overpriced restaurant, absolutely fucking BANTERING David Luiz and Willian off by eating enough food to feed a family of four and then responding to the bill by just sort of looking at them with those big wide eyes and cheeky grin and whispering quietly “Pay? What do you mean?”, is yet more evidence that N’Golo Kante is a treasure.

We must protect him at all costs.