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22nd Jun 2017

Manchester United’s transfer window explained via the medium of ’90s pop

Buy! Buy! Buy!

Nooruddean Choudry

No one loves the transfer window quite as much as a certain type of Manchester United fan.

For your average supporter, the actual football season is the focus of their obsession. Most United fans would be included in that number. But there’s a sizeable minority for whom the real action happens during the summer.

They can’t wait for the drama and intrigue of the transfer window, and they become strangely emotionally invested in every single bit of gossip and tittle-tattle. One minute they’re slagging off an established journalist for downplaying a proposed move, the next they’re hanging on every translated word of a Chilean radio pundit they’ve never heard of.

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It is hard to put into words what these transfer muppets are actually feeling, so we felt a tac was required. We therefore came up the innovate method of using pop music from the 1990s to express their emotions. Because why the fuck not.

So here are some of the touted moves – both ins and outs – at Old Trafford, and stone cold classic bangers to explain how United fans feel about each.

Victor Lindelof

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‘I Knew I Loved You’ – Savage Garden

Most United fans have never seen him play a full game, and are basing their opinions purely on YouTube clips and what other people on the internet have said. But that hasn’t stopped them creaming themselves over Lindelof regardless. They love him despite not knowing him, and Aussie popsters Savage Garden can sympathise.

David de Gea

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‘The Boy Is Mine’ – Brandy & Monica 

Another summer, another flurry of reports linking Manchester United’s number one with a move to Real Madrid. It’s a tug of war that has lasted over two years now, and only a faulty fax machine has stopped De Gea lining up for the Bernabeu club before now. But the fans – and Mourinho thus far – are adamant they the boy is indeed theirs.

Eric Dier

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‘My Lovin’ (You’re Never Gonna Get It)’ – En Vogue 

A strange one, this. Dier is widely acknowledged as being very good at what he does, which is predominantly sitting at the base of the midfield and doing Eric Dier types things very well. Spurs fans certainly don’t want him to leave, despite the fact he’s not an automatic starter. But United fans simply do not want him. He’s never gonna get their lovin’.

Alvaro Morata

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‘Nobody Wants To Be Lonely’ – Ricky Martin ft. Cristina Aguilera

United fans everywhere were convinced that Antoine Griezmann was joining Mourinho’s squad come June. And he probably would have too if it wasn’t for those pesky kids that Atletico Madrid acquired in a manner that led to their transfer ban being upheld. A couple of months ago the supporters would have scoffed at Morata. Now they just want someone, anyone.

Ivan Perisic

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‘That Don’t Impress Me Much’ – Shania Twain

The Old Trafford faithful have a lot of love for Anthony Martial, perhaps more than he deserves at this stage. He is a young player with plenty of time on his side, and his talent is not in doubt, but he hasn’t yet offered enough to attain hero status. Regardless, his place being jeopardised by the very workmanlike and functional Perisic doesn’t impress. Much.

Robert Lewandowski

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‘Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)’ – Backstreet Boys

There’s no avoiding the fact that United are in the market for a striker. Zlatan’s departure will leave a void in terms of both goals and a focal point to the attack. Morata seems most likely, but there are also rumours of Alexandre Lacazette being a backup option. Tenuous links to Lewandowski are too good to be true, but it’s the slight hope that kills you.

Nemanja Matic

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‘No Scrubs’ – TLC

Not dissimilar to the Eric Dier scenario, with the major difference being that Chelsea supporters are seemingly less concerned about losing their midfield workhorse than their Spursy counterparts. There’s no doubting that Matic would do a solid enough job, but United fans don’t want this Serb, and this Serb is a guy that can’t get no love from them.


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‘Crush’ – Jennifer Paige 

This is more like it, as far as giddy Red Devils are concerned anyway. If Monaco were arguably the most thrilling side in Europe last season, then Fabinho was their beating heart. United fans are well and truly smitten with the midfield marauder, and are positively willing the move to happen in the absence of any cast-iron links. Get a room already! Am I right?!?!!

Wayne Rooney

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‘Bye Bye Bye’ – *NSYNC


Cristiano Ronaldo

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There’s something of a divide when it comes to ol’ Cristiano…

‘Baby Come Back’ – UB40 ft. Pato Banton 

Some fans are hoping against hope that the rumours are true; that Ronaldo has made the irreversible decision to leave Real Madrid and return home. And then once he’s visited Madeira, come back to Manchester United. They’d do anything to have CR7 back, and are willing to plead in the most undignified manner with whomever it is who runs his Twitter account.

‘Waterfalls’ – TLC 

Other supporters are less trusting. They’ve been hurt before, you see. In their eyes, this is yet another hissy fit by Cristiano to get his own way at the Bernabeu, and he is once again using the good name of Manchester United to get what he wants. These cynics would much rather pursue obtainable targets, instead of wasting time on pampering prima donna egos.

Kylian Mbappe

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‘MMMBop’ – Hanson 

Lol. Because of Mbappe/MMMBop!