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03rd Jul 2019

Ranking Manchester United’s return to training in an extremely rational way

Wayne Farry

The boys are back in town

It’s that time of year again as Premier League teams return to pre-season training after a long and fruitful summer of boiling everyone’s piss by filming themselves dicking about in hotel bedrooms.

One such team to return to normality is Manchester United, whose Twitter account published photographs of the players as they walked into the Carrington training ground for their first training session of the summer.

This sounds like it would be a routine affair. Nothing more exciting than a group of men coming back to work. Except this is Manchester United, and everything that every player does – on and off the pitch – must be scrutinised to the n’th degree.

So that’s what we’re going to do, in an extremely rational manner.

Eric Bailly

On the surface Bailly’s return to action seems fine. Nice tracksuit top. Some fancy – but not too flashy – jewellery, and the requisite wash bag.

But what’s this? You scroll down and see a nice pair of black pants, with the fly unzipped. A professional footballer with his fly down. How can Bailly be expected to represent a proud club like United when he doesn’t even notice that he’s flying free? How can he be expected to remember to mark his man when he can’t even remember to zip his own pants up? Shambolic.

Victor Lindelof

He’s got a charger, which just oozes responsibility – no dropping below 20% for Victor. But the shorts and hoodie are a bit much. This is pre-season, not your first trip to the lido. Have a bit of class mate.

Juan Mata

This is more like it. Here’s Juan Mata – your sister’s boyfriend – making you and everyone else around him look like a bum. This is a good look. No complaints. Okay, maybe the ripped jeans. But we’ll let him off.

Scott McTominay

McTominay looks like your younger brother’s mate at five-a-side – and he’s brought his kit in a plastic carrier bag. Get a fucking grip Scott.

Marcos Rojo and Romelu Lukaku

Let’s address the weirdly dressed defender in the room, shall we? What the fuck is going on with Marcos Rojo? He’s had some bad haircuts – mohawks in particular – but this number is special.

It also appears he has forgotten his boots – and the jumper and pants combo is nothing short of a disgrace.

And the hair. That hair. Somewhere between a bad Sergio Aguero tribute act and a conceptual artist in Greenwich Village.

As for Lukaku, is it the greatest outfit? No. But next to Rojo he gets a free pass.

Sergio Romero and Diogo Dalot

Here we have the dynamic duo of Sergio Romero and Diogo Dalot.

Romero is a handsome man, but after a long summer he bears the dishevelled demeanour and relaxed outfit of a surfer who has recently been rescued from a desert island.

Dalot looks like he’s in the middle of doing The Floss dance as he walks into school for the first time after two months of playing Fortnite until six in the morning.

Luke Shaw

As has been said by many people, this looks more like a waxwork of Luke Shaw than Luke Shaw himself. And let’s get real, no one would get a waxwork of Luke Shaw.

Ashley Young

A beanie hat? Carrying trainers? What’s he wearing on his fucking feet then? A keychain for a gym? A box of UNO? I’m sorry, I have to stop here.