Julie Kedzie has only told the greatest story in mixed martial arts history
When it comes to great stories from the world of mixed martial arts, Chael Sonnen's repertoire takes some beating.
But it has just been topped by an epic tale from former UFC fighter Julie Kedzie.
Kedzie now acts as a matchmaker and analyst for the all-female promotion Invicta Fighting Championships, and she's one of the most intelligent figures in all of MMA.
Currently studying for a Masters in creative non-fiction, Kedzie knows how to tell a story and she dropped a doozy on the most recent episode of The Joe Rogan Experience.
We've all heard tales of fighters losing control of their bowels in the cage before but we've never heard anything like this.
"I have a history of shitting myself a lot. I don't know if you know that," Kedzie said.
The start of any great story.
Tell us more, Julie.
In what was her first fight with esteemed MMA coach Greg Jackson, Kedzie wanted to impress and that's when the story gets unfathomably interesting.
"That fight, the first thing she does right away - against Julia Berezikova - the first thing she does is punch me in the nose which just shatters my nose. Blood everywhere. And I was like 'Great, this again!'
"It was right after the Carano fight so I was used to losing. You never want to get in that space of being used to losing but somehow I clicked and I did pretty well in the fight. I ended up getting a mounted triangle on her and finishing with strikes."
Nothing too crazy there. Sounds like a great fight.
But let's rewind to the end of the first round.
"In between rounds, another cornerman put cold water on the back of my neck and I thought that I just farted.
"I thought it was a fart but... it turns out... and this poor girl [lost by] mounted triangle no less."
OK, so she shat herself? Not the most insane story of all time.
But wait. There's more!
"They grab us and put us on this bus. I'm still in my fight clothes and still have my gloves on. They just put us on a bus and separate me and Amanda Buckner from our cornermen and everything because we had won our fights.
"They take us to this palace and I cannot remember whose palace it was... Alexander something. It was in St. Petersburg and it was beautiful - gold damask and silk. I'm in fight clothes!
"And I'm like 'what is that smell?'
"I had seen a guy puking backstage because of a headshot and I thought I must have rolled in it or stepped in it. I smelled so bad!
"And Jean Claude Van Damme randomly walks up to us. Fedor [Emelianenko] was there, Jean Claude Van Damme, this and that. It was just weird and surreal and I already had head trauma going on so wasn't really in my right mind.
"It was so weird to be smelling myself and be like 'oh god, I stepped in puke. I'm sorry Mr. Van Damme that I smell so bad.'
"It was bad! I remember being on the bus and looking around asking 'does anyone have any perfume or anything?' and other people were allowed to shower but I was the swingbat so I was right after Fedor. They just put me on the bus and didn't tell me where I was going."
Don't worry. It gets weirder.
"I end up going to the restroom and there's just shit caked all over. Everywhere!
"And I'm like 'How did I shit myself?' It must have been in between rounds. It was disgusting.
"There's no trash can! It's all silk and gold in this beautiful palace so I just take my panties off and roll them up and shove them behind the toilet.
"It was a black lace thong, Vladimir Putin. That was mine and I want it back. Actually I don't want it back. That's gross. It was 10 years ago.
"So then I have to go back out there and Silvio Berlusoni was hitting on me and trying to pick me up. He was like 'hey, can I be your boyfriend tonight?' but he's saying it through a translator. And I'm like 'I SMELL LIKE SHIT!' I was as cleaned up as I could be but I was like 'you are a dirty motherfucker!'
"And Putin comes and puts his arm around me and I'm like 'this is weird as hell!'
"I shit myself in front of foreign dignitaries in another country. And that's probably my favourite MMA story."
Silvio Berlusconi cracking on to an MMA fighter who had just shat herself while Vladimir Putin, Fedor Emelianenko and Jean Claude Van Damme watch on?
That's a pretty good story alright.