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21st Jun 2017

JOE’s Transfer Digest – Arsenal insist Bellerin “not for sale” as long as he stops messing around with his hair

Arsenal have vowed to hold onto Bellerin unless he stops messing with his hair

Wayne Farry


Welcome to JOE’s Transfer Digest on this glorious day. The transfers are ripe for the picking and we are here, machete and satchel in hand, to collect the freshest rumours for you to feast upon.

We’ve got transfer news from across the entire continent of Europe today, as teams begin to go into overdrive ahead of the opening of the transfer window at the start of July.

Bellerin cuts a deal?

The first of today’s stories comes from the Emirates stadium in North London, where Arsenal right-back and Spain international Hector Bellerin has been linked with a return to his boyhood club, Barcelona.

The Catalan giants have long been interested in Bellerin – who joined the Gunners from their youth ranks at the age of 16 – and are reportedly prepared to meet Arsenal’s valuation of the defender.

Arsenal however have insisted that the 22-year-old is “not for sale” so long as he stops fucking around with his hair.

“Hector is one of our most talented and promising young players, and continues to develop into a top class player. We will reject any move made for him,” said one unnamed club source. “However, if he should start fucking around with his hair again – getting cornrows and using Alice bands – then yes, we would likely accept any offer.”

Chelsea to loan out youth

There are definitive outward motions elsewhere in London as Chelsea today signalled their intention to loan out the concept of youth from their squad for the season.

The concept – which has struggled to find any permanent place in the Chelsea squad for close to a decade – is said to see its future elsewhere and is said to favour a move to a club where it has a future role to play.

When pushed for comment, the concept of youth did not speak – for it is intangible and possesses no sentience – and merely left the interviewer with a mix of nostalgia and regret.

West Brom to annoy yer da

West Brom meanwhile have announced their intention to infuriate yer da and all of his mates by signing defender Jonny Evans to a new contract worth £100,000-per-week.

“Jonny is our captain and is a hugely influential and talented player. It is a pleasure to get him resigned and the knowledge that we are pissing yer da and his cohorts off is – obviously – an added bonus,” said Tony Pulis today. “He will no doubt say that ‘the game’s gone mad’ and that ‘soldiers should get Evans’ wages’ and we welcome his anger.”

And finally…

Your family have today been informed that you no longer see your long-term future with them and will seek options elsewhere, according to agent Mino Raiola, who acquired you late last night.

According to statements made by your next of kin, they are disappointed at the “selfish, greedy and ruthless behaviour of someone they thought to be family”, though your mother still holds out hope you will remain at what she considers an ambitious and rewarding project at home.

A protest involving extended family is planned for next week.