The former Liverpool striker discovered a deep-rooted passion for the country just weeks ago.
It's 10am in Barcelona and Luis Suarez is sat at home, dressed in a grey Adidas joggers and a t-shirt adorned with his childhood hero, Gnasher from Dennis the Menace. He has his feet resting up on his 'Stockholm' sofa from Ikea and is playing FIFA online, repeatedly telling the person on the other end how he faced stiffer opposition at Carrow Road when he scored four against Norwich. "Even Sebastien Bassong marked me better than you" he giggles down the headset, attempting another half-volley from 40 yards out. It flies over the bar. When he does eventually find the net, he throws the controller aside to jump up and kiss his wrist, before doing gun fingers at his own virtual counterpart.
His opponent, x-NinjaSkrtel-x, disconnects from the game. The phone rings.
"Luis, it's your agent. We've just had a very interesting call from the people at Tourism Malaysia and they think you are the perfect man to promote their country to the world!"
"Wait, what? ... Why?"
"I don't know, frankly."
"Do they know about my biting incident?"
"They do. They don't seem to mind"
"What about the second one?"
"Yeah, they know."
"Oh. The one at the World Cup?"
"They know, Luis. It was at the World Cup."
"What about Ev-"
"They know about that too, yes. They know about that. Let's not talk about it"
"Oh. Great. Well I've always wanted to visit California."
"Malaysia is a country, Luis. In Asia."
Suarez rolls his eyes dramatically, "Yes I know that, Craig. I was just saying. I've always wanted to meet Al Pacino. I love that movie he's in, the one about always believing in yourself and doing whatever it takes to win. It always pumps me up before a big match."
"Any Given Sunday?"
"Scarface"
"Right. Well all you need to do is tweet a few nice things about the country? Is that ok? I'll send you over the picture and what they want you to include. That alright?"
"That's fine boss. Leave it with me"
The following is uploaded onto twitter only two hours later:
https://twitter.com/LuisSuarez9/status/964474807206273024
At 12:22pm Suarez's phone buzzes once again. It's a text this time.
Nice work Luis, really love what you did with photoshop there, it almost looks as though you have actually been! Where did you get the authentic clothing from? Do you actually own that!? Incredible. Not sure why you mention Chinese New Year, it wasn't in the brief, but again nicely done. Very opportune. Great work on googling the Tamil word for 'respect', as well. Ingenious. A lovely touch. I think we've really turning a corner as far as your public image is concerned. Speak soon, love Craig x
Luis doesn't reply, he finds it all a bit patronising. His wife worked really hard on assembling that tweet for him.
Nine days later he picks up a voicemail, again from his agent.
"Hi Luis, Craig again. Look, the Visit Malaysia people were thrilled with that tweet and they want you to do another. Really easy stuff mate. I'll send you the photo, then just caption it with something like 'Gunung Mulu National Park is one of the most majestic and thrilling nature destinations located in the state of Sarawak. Hiking around here will take you up some dramatic peaks and magnificent caves.' Yeah, something like that. But obviously that's just off the top of my head so don't use exactly those words, it would look terrible. I'll call you next week. Bye. Bah. Bah. Bah."
"Sofia!" He shouts down the hallway, not moving from the caress of the Stockholm's luxurious fabric. "Sofia! Sofia! Sofia! ... Dan! DAN!" Shit. I'll have to do this myself, he thinks, and spends almost 4 entire minutes sweating over the composition of the tweet. He re-listens to the voicemail. Afterwards he cracks his knuckles and exhales. That'll definitely work. He puts his feet down from the sofa, waits a beat, and puts them back up again. He is horizontal once more.
https://twitter.com/LuisSuarez9/status/967878401863372802
Another week drifts by and Suarez can hear his phone ringing from inside the house. He is sat on a giant inflatable unicorn, slowly floating across the pool, occasionally drifting against the sides like a snooker ball hugging a cushion. After ten minutes of continuous low-level disturbance go by he grumbles, throws on his Gnasher towel and waddles inside to answer.
"What is it Craig? I was in the middle of something"
"Hi, Luis, mate. Ever so sorry to disturb you. Just wanted to chat about that last twitter post fella. Again, beautiful, beautiful stuff. You really have a way with words. Those years spent on Merseyside have definitely given you a feel for the deep intricacies of the English language. Anyway, it's the same thing again. What they want you to do is -"
Luis sighs, rests the phone down and begins doing his foam roller calf-stretches on the carpet. Then he makes himself a sandwich, which, unlike anyone else, he eats delicately with a knife and fork. Half an hour later he picks it up again.
"Luis. Luis. Luis. Are you there? Luis? Can you just do the tweet please? And don't, whatever you do, mention diving. Bye."
https://twitter.com/LuisSuarez9/status/969910039879344128
A fortnight passes this time and Suarez is slightly worried. He hasn't heard from his agent since the last Malaysia post. He's concerned he has ballsed the whole operation up, meaning he'd only have his current deals with Abitab, Cablevision, Garnier, Pepsi, Antel, Samsung, Adidas and Beats by Dre. This could get desperate, he thinks. Furrowing his brow in consternation he quickly opens his laptop and heads to Wikipedia.
He types in S, C, A, R, F, A, before quickly snapping out of it and spelling Malaysia. He rings Craig.
"Luis. What is it?"
"Hey! I was just wondering when I should do my next post about my favourite place in the world?"
"What? California? ... Norwich?"
"Ha, no! You joker. Malaysia!"
"Oh. Well the thing about that, Luis, is that they no longer want to work with us. They think the tweets look... you know..."
"What? They look what?"
"Completely at odds with your entire being and personal history, Luis. Like really fucking incongruous."
Suarez is hurt now, and whimpers like a future dog-shelter pup found in a box in the rain. He quickly pulls himself together, channeling the resilience that saw him rise from the rough backstreets of Montevideo and grow into a global superstar. Who does sponsored adds for Tourism Malaysia.
"Well. I don't care Craig. I don't care! I love Malaysia. It's in my heart now and I can't let it go. Like Arsene Wenger when he put in a bid of 40 million and one pound for me."
A short moment of silence.
"Craig, did you know about the gable of the Stadthuys in Melaka? It is believed to be the oldest surviving Dutch structure in the East. Next to it stands the Christ Church, which was built in 1753, making it the oldest Protestant church in Malaysia. It's listed as a UNESCO World Heritage site.
Another pause.
"Amazing, huh? I really like it. I'm not sure what a gable is but it's red, like Liverpool. Remember when I used to play for Liverpool, Craig? And then Wenger tried to buy me? He is so silly that Mr.Wenger, isn't he? Craig? Hello?"
A longer moment of silence.
"Craig? You there? Craig? A UNESCO World Heritage site, Craig. Craig?"
The line goes dead.
Suarez presses ctrl+c and ctrl+v. He hits tweet. Now we wait.
https://twitter.com/LuisSuarez9/status/974570449895116805
