Real Madrid preparing record £300 million bid for Neymar

Is Neymar the solution to Real Madrid's problems? Almost certainly not

But that won't stop money chucker extraordinaire Florentino Perez stumping up 300 million of the queen's heads to pry him from PSG, the football club he spends his time playing for in between his sister's birthday parties. Spanish website SPORT are reporting the news, indicating the Perez has finally lost patience with his side after the club were knocked out of the Copa Del Rey, the Champions League and had their La Liga challenge wiped along Messi's golden arse crack and handed back to them all in the space of a week. Perez is confident his offer will cause dollar signs to pop out of the eyeballs of PSG's owners Qatar Sports Investments like an old cartoon and, better yet, thinks Neymar wouldn't say no. Even though he did in 2011. And 2013. You know, when he joined their fierce rivals Barcelona instead. Let it go, Florentino. The small manner of a £39 million salary per year probably helps, along with the fact that as Cristiano Ronaldo is now plying his workmanlike abs and goals trade in Turin and Gareth Bale has resorted back into a rich man's Morten Gamst Pedersen, he would unequivocally be the main man at the Santiago Bernabeu. Should the move transpire, Neymar would become the world's most expensive player for the second time after moving from Barcelona to PSG for 222 million euros (£191 million) in 2017. More importantly, at least for his ego's sake, is the fact that the reported salary would see him leapfrog old teammate Lionel Messi as the world's highest paid player. Whilst this is all still conjecture at this point, it's difficult not to waft away on a lucid daydream picturing a revived, and somehow even more bullish José Mourinho taking the reigns at the wayward club, buying Neymar for a record fee and then simply turning him into the world's most grandiose left wing-back, a kind of Marcelo on coke, leaving Sergio Ramos to defend the entire left hand side of Real Madrid's half on his own and consequently break the record number of cards in a season with 864. One can only dream.