His biggest achievement off the back of his most boring performance
Listen, before anyone kicks off – like England after going 0-1 down against another sub-par opponent – let me just preface this by saying The Revenant was a pretty good movie.
It was undeniably a visually stunning masterpiece of cinematography, but I think it’s fair to say even the most ardent fans of man-struggling-through-seemingly-endless-wilderness films would agree it isn’t anywhere close to one of Leonardo DiCaprio’s most entertaining works.
Some sizeable stretches of the movie were unfathomably boring, some moments were just downright tough to watch, and in spells it felt like nothing was really happening.
And that simple fact is where the tenuous and frankly f*cking stupid link I’m making to Gareth Southgate for the purposes of this article begins.
The England manager has been under fire throughout Euro 2024, from fans and media alike, for the Three Lions’ underwhelming showings, but ironically he may actually end up landing his biggest achievement off the back of arguably his most boring performance – just like Leo.
DiCaprio’s portrayal of fur trapper Hugh Glass garnered rave reviews upon The Revenant’s 2015 release, with many considering him a heavy favourite to bag his first Academy gong. That said, though, he would have to face off against some heavy hitters in Matt Damon, Bryan Cranston, Michael Fassbender and reigning Best Actor winner Eddie Redmayne in order to land it.
Given his history of falling short and the staggeringly high standard of his fellow nominees, his 1/100 odds looked, quite frankly, ridiculous.
In many ways, the rumbles of disbelief surrounding Leo’s short odds weren’t too dissimilar to the confusion around England’s supposed favouritism amidst competition from proven winners such as France, Germany, Portugal and Spain at Euro 2024.
Though, thus far, if we look at things solely through outcome-based goggles, it appears the oddsmakers may have been correct to fancy Southgate’s chances, just as they did DiCaprio’s.
2016 – “You can’t cheat an honest man.”
To draw the next loose and completely f*cking pointless comparison between Gareth and Leo, Southgate’s managerial career started out much like the plot of Gangs of New York.
A young man, haunted by a tough upbringing and a difficult stint in Middlesbrough – which I imagine isn’t a million miles from the dismal squalor of a prison cell in 1860s New York – who was desperately seeking retribution for the crimes, or missed Euro 1996 penalties, of his past.
Much like the film’s protagonist, Amsterdam Vallon, Southgate knew he must infiltrate England’s ranks at the lowest level and work his way up to the top table in order to fulfil his dreams. As he joined the under-21s in 2016, he was regarded as a steady pair of hands who could guide a pack of hungry Young Lions to maturity.
Two years later, Southgate was confronted by his story’s equivalent of Daniel Day Lewis. A fierce, wily old professional, feared far and wide for his no-nonsense tactics and terrifying nickname. No, not Bill the Butcher. I’m talking, of course, about Big Sam Allardyce.
As a disgraced Big Sam left the England fold with his proverbial tail between his legs, his P45 in one hand and a pint of gravy in the other, Southgate became the top dog. An honest, dependable, mouldable option who could fix the PR nightmare Allardyce had landed England in.
Southgate’s England redemption arc began.
World Cup 2018 – “Just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge and now here I am on the grandest ship in the world.”
If Gangs of New York was akin to Southgate’s baptism into management, then World Cup 2018 was to him what Titanic was to DiCaprio. It was the big one he should have won, on reflection, but he was just too young and inexperienced. He was new to the international game and his meagre experience at Middlesbrough couldn’t help him.
Whilst the sheer euphoria of Kieran Trippier’s early free kick goal against Croatia was the equivalent of Kate Winslet asking Southgate to ‘draw me like one of your French girls’, he unfortunately couldn’t follow up on it with scenes comparable to the one in the steamy back seat of the Renault Coupe de Ville.
Ultimately, Ivan Perisic’s equaliser was the iceberg violently crashing into the underbelly of the ship and Mario Mandzukic’s subsequent extra-time winner was our manager’s cold, lifeless body drifting through the North Atlantic, frozen to the side of a giant door he could have easily climbed aboard, as the rescue party sailed by with their whistles pressed to their lips.
Euro 2020 – “A dream within a dream.”
Fast forward another couple of years and we get to Euro 2020, which I’m going to call Southgate’s parallel to Inception.
Much like DiCaprio’s character, Dominick Cobb, Southgate was tasked with a seemingly impossible feat – plant an idea into people’s minds and ensure that traumas of the past cannot interfere with it.
As the entire country prepared to host the final of a major international tournament for the first time since 1996, it was a rare opportunity for an England manager to actually ‘bring it home’, whilst playing at home.
With deafening chants of “Southgate you’re the one, you still turn me on, football’s coming home again” ringing around stadiums, it was clear that our manager had planted the seed amongst the masses that this would be our year.
Just like Inception, Euro 2020 was littered with historically impossible challenges, heartbreaking memories and broken dreams. Not only would Southgate have to overcome a repeat fixture of the devastating 2018 semi-final against Croatia, but he would also have to face off against the ‘Auld Enemy’ in Scotland and England’s perennial footballing Kryptonite, the Germans.
After successfully navigating all of those torrid challenges, Southgate appeared on the sidelines for the final at Wembley as if he had just stepped out of Cobb’s wardrobe. Wearing an immaculate navy blue suit that wouldn’t look out of place in the stylish world of corporate espionage, and freed from the constricting shackles of his trademark waistcoat, he was ready for action.
Unfortunately, despite Luke Shaw infiltrating the first layer of England fans’ dreams by scoring an early goal in the final, Leonardo Bonucci’s rebounded goal and a crushing 3-2 defeat on penalties left us wanting yet again.
This was arguably the most exciting time in Southgate’s career, yet he still could not deliver a trophy.
World Cup 2022 – “I’m not f*cking leaving.”
Skipping forward again, World Cup 2022 was The Wolf of Wall Street. A satirical black comedy set in the landscape of a hostile and frivolous work environment, riddled with undertones of corruption, greed and otherworldly excess.
When push came to shove, Qatar’s World Cup trophy was Southgate’s superyacht and Didier Deschamps’ France were the FBI agents seeking to repossess it, defeating England in the quarter finals.
Southgate admitted he was considering quitting his role as England manager shortly after the crushing disappointment of a relatively early exit, but in the end he stood firm at the front of his figurative Stratton Oakmont office, puffed his chest out, and exclaimed “I’m not f*cking leaving.”
After all of this, however, Euro 2024 could actually end up being Southgate’s magnum opus.
This could be the tournament in which he finally gets the job done and silences his doubters.
This could be the tournament that cements his place as an England legend for all eternity.
Despite the fact that watching England’s performances so far has felt like I’m struggling my way through The Revenant all over again, my eyes taking a metaphorical mauling by a giant f*cking bear is a small price to pay for football to come home.
And I’m backing Gareth Southgate to bring it.
