EXCLUSIVE: The *REAL* real story behind the Manchester derby brawl

[The characters and events in this article are mostly fictitious. Any apparent similarity to real persons or happenings in the inner sanctum of the Theatre of Dreams are purely coincidental and the product of the author's troubled imagination.]

Forget what you think you know.

By now, you'll have no doubt read various conflicting accounts of what took place at Old Trafford on Sunday, December 10, the Year of Our Lord 2017. Forget them, forget them all. Because, for the first time, we can exclusively reveal - in unnecessary detail - exactly how events transpired during the Melee of Manchester. So settle down with your favourite tipple (rain water collected in your backyard because the government are putting mind-altering drugs in the tap water), stick on your best foil hat, and let us explain the TRUTH behind the post-game clash between Manchester's United and City...

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1. Be Here Now

Jose Mourinho is enraged when he hears that the Manchester City players are blaring out Oasis’ Be Here Now from their dressing room. He is passionately of the opinion that the said record was a turning point for the Mancunian band, when they went from a tight musical unit playing great rock‘n’roll tunes, to churning out overblown stadium friendly reverb nonsense.

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2. Inhaler, ya' no say daddy me snow me I go blame

Having run all the way from the home dressing room to the City dressing room, Jose is panting heavily. He tries to make his point about the regressive nature of Be Here Now, but can’t catch his breath. Blues' youngster Phil Foden is acutely aware of the perils of chronic asthma and very kindly throws his inhaler in Jose’s direction. It hits him on the head. OH SHIIIIIT! It’s going down!

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3. Foda-se!

Finally able to speak, Jose is fuming. Not only due to his original point re Oasis’ third studio album, but now because of the blue missile that struck his noggin. Ederson tries to calm things down and yells ‘FODEN!’ Unfortunately Jose thinks he said ‘Foda-se’, which roughly translates to ‘Fuck off’. In the confusion, Jose reaches for his emergency whistle...

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4. Castle on the hill

Upon hearing the whistle, a bare-chested Duncan Castles appears from nowhere. United players have only seen this sort of protective rage from the journalist once before, when someone on Twitter questioned Jose’s record against the top 6. They try to hold him back, but he has the super-human strength of a mummy bear protecting her cub.

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5. Baby dance it for me and dab

Whilst all this is going on, Jesse Lingard and Paul Pogba are auditioning teammates to star in their next dabbing video. Standing in judgement, they watch on as Matteo Darmian and Henrikh Mkhitaryan are made to perform like circus animals in a frankly humiliating fashion.

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6. Total Scrappage

City players are made aware of the impending threat of the Incredible Hack, and are left with little option but to counter-attack. Pep being Pep, he plans to revolutionise the standard football fracas by inverting his best attackers, and inventing what he calls ‘Total Scrapping’ - what a maverick genius!

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7. Man of honour

On the day he signed for the club, back in July 2011, Sergio Aguero swore a solemn oath that, no matter what, he would protect the honour of the then Manchester City F.C. crest - even if it was later replaced with a completely different design. As you can see, Sergio Aguero is a man of his word.

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8. Oh oh oh, trouble troublemaker yeah

BOOM! Both sets of players collide and there’s a massive explosion! It rips through the heart of football's innocence. Olly Murs, a lifelong Manchester United fan since 2008, is at the game and tweets what he thinks he saw, so of course the Mail take it as hard fact.