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12th December 2017
04:49pm GMT
Jose Mourinho is enraged when he hears that the Manchester City players are blaring out Oasis’ Be Here Now from their dressing room. He is passionately of the opinion that the said record was a turning point for the Mancunian band, when they went from a tight musical unit playing great rock‘n’roll tunes, to churning out overblown stadium friendly reverb nonsense.
Having run all the way from the home dressing room to the City dressing room, Jose is panting heavily. He tries to make his point about the regressive nature of Be Here Now, but can’t catch his breath. Blues' youngster Phil Foden is acutely aware of the perils of chronic asthma and very kindly throws his inhaler in Jose’s direction. It hits him on the head. OH SHIIIIIT! It’s going down!
Finally able to speak, Jose is fuming. Not only due to his original point re Oasis’ third studio album, but now because of the blue missile that struck his noggin. Ederson tries to calm things down and yells ‘FODEN!’ Unfortunately Jose thinks he said ‘Foda-se’, which roughly translates to ‘Fuck off’. In the confusion, Jose reaches for his emergency whistle...
Upon hearing the whistle, a bare-chested Duncan Castles appears from nowhere. United players have only seen this sort of protective rage from the journalist once before, when someone on Twitter questioned Jose’s record against the top 6. They try to hold him back, but he has the super-human strength of a mummy bear protecting her cub.
Whilst all this is going on, Jesse Lingard and Paul Pogba are auditioning teammates to star in their next dabbing video. Standing in judgement, they watch on as Matteo Darmian and Henrikh Mkhitaryan are made to perform like circus animals in a frankly humiliating fashion.
City players are made aware of the impending threat of the Incredible Hack, and are left with little option but to counter-attack. Pep being Pep, he plans to revolutionise the standard football fracas by inverting his best attackers, and inventing what he calls ‘Total Scrapping’ - what a maverick genius!
On the day he signed for the club, back in July 2011, Sergio Aguero swore a solemn oath that, no matter what, he would protect the honour of the then Manchester City F.C. crest - even if it was later replaced with a completely different design. As you can see, Sergio Aguero is a man of his word.
BOOM! Both sets of players collide and there’s a massive explosion! It rips through the heart of football's innocence. Olly Murs, a lifelong Manchester United fan since 2008, is at the game and tweets what he thinks he saw, so of course the Mail take it as hard fact.Explore more on these topics:
