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11th Nov 2018

12 harsh truths for Man United fans after bruising derby defeat to City

Nooruddean Choudry

*The Juventus result was a cruel trick. It waved false hope under your nose like the faint smell of chippy chips. The truth is United were lucky in Turin, and City are miles better than Juve.

*You lost to a manager wearing a coatigan. A garment so shite that it can’t decide what it is.

*The olés peaked in injury time, but started in the 55th minute.

*You conceded a goal to a player who looked like ‘So What’ era Pink.

*Pogba may be maddening at times, but he was sorely missed. In fact the players seemed in denial; getting the ball and looking for him when he wasn’t there.

*David Silva is a genius and no current United player can hold a candle to him. It felt like a personal slight to have Fellaini on the same pitch as him.

*Ashley Young may be a great fella, who ‘gets it’, loves playing for the club, and sits with the fans during away games, but when Sane came on it was like a fat bloke chasing a receipt.

*If Romelu Lukaku played like he was wearing jeans, Ander Herrera played like he was wearing Wallace’s malfunctioning techno-trousers. It was a popular ’90s clay animation – look it up, kids.

*Marcus Rashford has so many exciting and occasionally thrilling bits to him, but they don’t currently make up ‘starting Man United centre-forward’.

*The wi-fi at City is miles better than Old Trafford.

*There’s no quick fix. To the problems at United, not the wi-fi. That can be fixed pretty quickly.

*Usually you can swallow the bitter poison of a derby defeat by angrily claiming that your team didn’t try; that they didn’t put in a shift and weren’t committed enough. The sad truth is that United were trying really hard. They were doing their very best. City were just miles better, in every way. United weren’t so much outclassed as slapped away.