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11th May 2019

Theresa May adds kicking a football to the list of things she can’t do like a normal person

Kyle Picknell

seriously mate no joking please just don’t play again pm not suited to u pal you’re crap no hard feelings just not worked out

Theresa May is doing that thing she does again. That thing where she takes a seemingly normal, everyday occurrence – such as dancing to ABBA, holding a snooker cue or in this case, kicking a football – and turns it into a gruesome, absurdist distortion of how the human body should react outside stimuli.

Theresa May is doing that thing she does where she behaves like the alien in the first Men in Black film that crash lands on the farm, kills the farmer, wears his skin as a disguise and eats a whole bag of sugar.

Have you ever seen anyone more excruciatingly, cringe-inducingly out of touch with other human beings?

Look at the way she kicks the football. Look at the way she watches her terrible shot and leans back as though it was just an unlucky attempt, a slight bit of misfortune, and not the fact that she skews it so much because she has never actually done something as normal as kick a football before. Look at the way she does a knowing chuckle afterwards as if to say “haha yes! I’ve fooled them again! I’ve once again successfully and convincingly assimilated with the lower classes I continue to oppress and affect with my staggering ineptitude as a politician!”

And then there’s the caption. Oh my fucking god, the caption. “It’s been a historic week for English football, with Liverpool, Spurs, Arsenal and Chelsea inspiring children, adults, Prime Ministers…” Enough to make you get a little bit sick in your mouth, isn’t it? Enough to make you wonder how this person is the single, de facto political leader of our entire country, isn’t it?

I just really, really wish she’d stop doing things. How do we make her stop doing things?