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06th Dec 2021

Evidence of cocaine discovered near offices of Johnson and Patel

Kieran Galpin

Priti Patel

It turns out there is snow this Christmas – but only in parliament

Evidence of cocaine has been discovered near the offices of Prime Minister Boris Johnson and Home Secretary Priti Patel amidst a parliament sweep for narcotics.

The speaker of the house – aka the guy that yells ‘order’ a lot, in case you didn’t know – has promised to call in the sniffer dogs after traces of the Class-A drug were located on parliament grounds.

Detection wipes were employed to locate problem areas, which turned out to be 11 of the 12 areas tested, which include spots only accessible with a parliamentary pass.

Perhaps most shockingly, traces of the highly addictive drug were found in toilets nearest the private offices of Johnson and Patel, reports the Times.

“It’s not just drink we’ve got to catch out, there is a drug problem,” said House Speaker Lindsay Hoyle in 2019.

This is clearly an issue at the forefront of the speaker’s mind and since the news broke, sources have come out to share their experiences.

“I have seen an MP openly snorting cocaine at a party,” one source told the Times.

Another source said: “MPs tend to be more careful than staff and will go back to their office to do it rather than doing it in any of the public spaces, but I have heard of one staffer who walked in on their MP doing a late-night line at their desk.”

Meanwhile, a Westminster regular alleged that “there is a cocaine culture in parliament.

“Some people are at it all the time and are totally blasé. Others dabble. Some are household names, some are ambitious young MPs and officials, but all of them risk throwing away their careers. They think they are untouchable, protected by their friends in the bubble. It’s shocking but also sad. Lots of them need help.”

Rumours are currently spiralling, with some sources suggesting MPs have had drug dealers on the payroll and some even selling narcotics themselves.

Home Secretary Patel said: “Those who have the privilege to work at the heart of our democracy who are involved in drug use or distribution are utterly divorced from the heartless pain and suffering of the drug trade they are fuelling.”

Similarly, the leader of the Liberal Democrats Ed Davey stated: “Government ministers cannot talk tough about illegal drugs while turning a blind eye to their mates.”

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