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21st Jun 2019

Dissecting every single ‘joke’ in the “S*** Champagne Socialists say…” video

Kyle Picknell

We regret to inform you that the right are still trying and failing to master the very difficult concept of ‘being funny’

Turning Point UK have done a video. It’s about the ‘shit champagne socialists’ say. They had to asterisk out the naughty swear-word, though, which is as good an indication as any that the satire is going to be absolutely biting.

It’s a video so cringe-inducingly awful it makes you almost, almost, feel sorry for the two people that star in it. I don’t know if they wrote the jokes themselves, or were simply made to sit in a room that looks like a child-friendly airport cafe and deliver them with all the gusto and charisma of two people who have just found out their beloved childhood pet has died, but regardless. They fucking bombed.

And that’s without mentioning the sound, editing, entire concept and the ‘produced in Islington’ bit added to the title. Which has all been thoroughly ridiculed in the replies on Twitter. Have a scroll through. It’s well worth your time to see the video get rinsed from every conceivable angle.

Anyway, here is a brief analysis of the jokes, which are all delivered in a HILARIOUS faux-upper class intonation that is, like, literally just each of their real voices but going up at the end of the sentence so you KNOW FOR SURE IT’S A JOKE SO PLEASE LAUGH AT IT. PLEASE:

“Real socialism has never been tried”

This opening joke is so strong that it is repeated back again with different wording almost immediately. But obviously not before the cutting edge Turning Point UK graphics appear onscreen, along with a backing track that sounds like on-hold music for a bank.

“Pass the falafel Sharon please”

This is the second joke in the video. Notice how it isn’t even constructed in the way a normal person speaks, which is either ‘Please pass the falafel, Sharon’ or ‘Pass the falafel please, Sharon’. Notice how ‘Sharon’ is the funniest name they could come up with. Notice how they have used falafel as though that is an expensive or elitist food. Notice how this exact same joke is (again) repeated in the following iterations throughout the vid:

“Sharon can you pass me the gazpacho please?” (it’s cold soup, it’s just cold soup, it’s not fancy)

“Can you pass me the hummus Sharon please?” (hummus costs a quid)

“Oh Sharon do you want anything from Pret?” (oh yeah, coffee, ok)

“Oh Sharon can you pass the quinoa?” (Quinoa pronounced immaculately, weird that)

And finally: “Can you pass the matcha tea?”

You know the material is dynamite when you have to repeat it six times. HAHAHA she’s pretending to be called Sharon! HAHAHAHA who on earth would drink green tea!

“No I’d never go outside of Zone 2 – god forbid”

Now this is acting:


This is another scorcher of a line that is repeated throughout the video to greater and greater comedic effect.

“Orange man – bad”

Fair play – this is just ridiculously good writing. Impossible for the left to compete with stuff like this.

“I’ll think you’ll find that Jeremy Corbyn is quite centre, compared to, like, some Scandinavian countries” 

The best part about this is Joel’s extremely vigorous, natural head nodding in agreement. Watch him. He starts nodding at the word ‘is’ and then nods several times for each word after that, which is exactly how people react to sentiments they agree with in real life. Like a bobblehead. Like a giant fucking bobblehead.

“So capitalism’s been tried and hasn’t worked so just give socialism a go”

Exactly! That’s what we’ve all been saying!

“Oh Jeremy Corbyn” again

We’ve got a few more of these to go through yet, don’t worry.

“Hillary Clinton is like such an inspiration”

Er, Hillary Clinton is a capitalist, lads. The left hate her.

“I’m literally a communist!”

You’re… literally a Tory!

“Tories aren’t even real human beings”

If this video has proved anything it is that this statement is fundamentally correct.

“It’s a great day to smash the patriarchy”

*exact same intonation back* “It’s a great day to defend the patriarchy”

“Yeah I’ve just started interning at this really cool carbon-neutral startup”

This one is missing a punchline. What is the punchline? When does something funny happen in this story?

“Uh, excuse me, I think you’ll find that’s a micro-aggression?”

I don’t know what that is.

“They just didn’t know what they were voting for, actually.”

This one would work, maybe, if we weren’t three years down the line with nobody, not a soul, having a single fucking clue what is going on with Brexit.

“We are the 48%” followed by a raised fist

Well, we’re not anymore. All your voters are dying. So there’s that.

“So I, like, really want to find, like, an organic, like, allotment plot but it’s so, like, hard to find them in Zone Two.”

The very first rule of comedy: the more you say ‘like’, the funnier something is!

“Follow back, pro-EU, #FBPE”

The person delivering this joke has “Self identify as an Aristotelian” in her Twitter bio.

“Is there gluten/dairy/wheat/caffeine/fructose in this?” 

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is funnier than dietary requirement gags. Nothing.

“Yah, no, like, totally, capitalism is horrif”

There is only one group of people that say ‘yah’ and ‘horrif’ and those people are always, always Surrey Tories.

“Oh crap my iPhone is out of charge”


“I think we should book an Uber because I don’t want to be late to our anti-capitalist meetup”

They are notoriously strict with their start times at anti-capitalist meetups. Everyone knows this. Come on. This one was obvious.

“I mean when you, like, think about it, Mao did more good than harm”

Do you… do you get it? Because he killed millions and millions of people? Hahahahahahahahaha. Quality.

“Oh Jeremy Corbyn” again

Yeah. Again.

*ordering a coffee on the phone, for some reason* “Hi, yeah, can I get a venti mocha latte with soy milk, two shots of coffee. Hold the cocoa powder yeah. And no cream. Yeah cheers, thanks honey, bye.”

This bit is so bad and so stupid there isn’t even a way I can take the piss out of it, other than presenting the joke in full. It does all the work itself.

She actually says ‘two shots of coffee’. She actually says hold the cocoa powder. She is actually pretending to order a coffee on the phone! On the phone! A coffee!

“I’ve, like, so been finding myself recently, been reading a lot of Marx, so good.”

Yes, that’s what people read to ‘find themselves’. Marx. There is no other reason that people read Marx.

“Honestly this new Spotify playlist is amazing, it just made me, like, feel happy”

The concept of music and the human emotion of joy, here, getting both barrels.

“I don’t know, I just, I feel like we haven’t given socialism a proper go”

Same joke as the two at the start. So that’s a third time.

“All views are my own”

See the guy saying this? Click on his @ and look at what he has in his Twitter bio. Yep.

“Have you finished with your copy of The Guardian?”

Yeah, go out on that banger, I reckon. End on a strong one.

Oh look, there’s a 37 second long part 2. Oh look, you’re doing the Jeremy Corbyn AND ‘Sharon can you pass’ bits again. In part 2. Which, again, is only 37 seconds long.

In the words of the top reply to the video: ‘this shit trash lmfaoooooooooooo’.