Theresa May reveals the naughtiest thing she's ever done and it will shock you to the core
Hold on to your hats, folks. You will never be the same after reading this.
Okay, deep breaths. In and out. In and out. In through the nose, out through the mouth.
There has been, and it's a struggle even to write this, a major revelation regarding our Prime Minister Theresa May.
We should preface this by letting you know that we are as shocked as you will shortly be, and that we are only presenting this information as a matter of public service.
Though the forthcoming details are revelatory and cast the leader of our country in a whole new light, it's important that you know.
In an interview with ITV's Julie Etchingham, the Prime Minister was asked "What's the naughtiest thing you ever did?" - a bold question to ask the leader of a major world power. May, never one to shrink away from a tough question, does her best to answer.
This is what she said.
May: Oh, goodness me. Well, I suppose… gosh. Do you know I’m not quite sure. I can’t think what the naughtiest thing...
Etchingham: There must’ve been a moment when…
May: Well, nobody is ever perfectly behaved, are they? I mean, you know, there are times when… I have to confess, when me and my friend, sort of, used to run through the fields of wheat, the farmers weren’t too pleased about that.
Yes, you read that correctly: the Prime Minister used to run through fields of wheat, and the farmers weren't too pleased about it.
Please, take a moment. Lie down. Apply a cold compress. Gather your thoughts and steady your nerve. Pour a stiff drink, if necessary - we've already had a few.
The Prime Minister is quite right, no one is ever perfectly behaved, and we all made mistakes in our youth, but this... this is something else.
You have to admire May's cojones for openly admitting that she knowingly ran through fields of wheat and subsequently displeased farmers in the process - even David Cameron's Bullingdon days look like a summer picnic in comparison - but doesn't she want to get reelected on Thursday?
We simply don't know what to make of it. Scandalous.