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01st Mar 2018

‘Time Traveller’ from year 6491 warns that America will be wiped out in the future

Yeah. Another one.

Kyle Picknell

I regret to inform you that we have yet another “time traveller”.

They just can’t be arsed now. This one says he’s from another galaxy, the year 6491 and his name is James Oliver. James Oliver. He’s from another galaxy and his name is James Oliver. He is from the year 6491 and his name is James Oliver.

We are hardly dealing with the creative mind of a generation here.

You know the drill by now. Teenage boy in a hoody sits down on a bench somewhere, has his voice changed to sound like Barney Gumble, tells us he’s from the future and he has a chilling message to pass on, sometimes along with a photograph of absolutely nothing.

This time round we have James Oliver, not to be confused with the TV-chef who got rid of Turkey Twizzlers and Turkey Dinosaurs like a kind of healthy-eating Essex-accented asteroid , who tells us that something very bad will happen in the United States of America within the next 200 years.

Because, obviously, nothing bad is going on in America at the moment. I can’t think of anything. Anything at all. Nothing, at present, is bad in America. I’m sure of it.

The “time traveller” – I shudder every time I write this, quotations or not – states that he is “essentially an archeologist”, presumably in the same way that Dejan Lovren is “essentially a world-class centre half” and Margaret Thatcher is “essentially still alive”.

He warns us anyway that the volcanic caldera in Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming, will erupt. Yes, that is right, the volcano will erupt. The volcano that has been erupting over millions of years will, apparently, at some point, at some point in the vague future, erupt. Again. Like a volcano does. Like an active volcano does.

Not only this, not only will this volcano erupt, but it will also “produce a massive amount of ash into the atmosphere and the way your transportation mechanisms work – if you were to drive or fly through one of these ash storms you engines will be ruined… The country will be dead for five years,” he revealed.

Astonishing. Almost as though something like that had happened recently.

Could he inform us when exactly the disastrous event was going to take place so that we could prepare?

No. No he could not. Some time in the next 200 years, the man said, “essentially a time traveller”.