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18th Jul 2017

The JOE guide to… anything related to Brexit

It's going to be a loooong two years...

Aaron Gillies

Brexit, Brexit, Brexit.

Turn on the news and there it is, Brexit. Open the newspaper…Brexit. Turn on the radio…Brexit. Roll over to kiss your partner good night…Brexit. It is now an unavoidable part of life, like death or Spider-man reboots.

There must be a way of getting on with life without it becoming a daily topic of conversation, or at least getting through a work day without developing a Brexit-related eye twitch.

First, let’s understand what Brexit actually is, regardless of what side of the argument you find yourself, we can all agree that Brexit is a bunch of fucking nonsense. The whole referendum was the plot of an idiot to try and steal votes from another idiot by pitting idiots against idiots in a vote that meant nothing and made us all look like idiots.

Image result for brexit

The point I am meandering my way towards is that no matter how you voted in the referendum, none of us are looking great coming out of this, so let’s just accept it for what it is, a bit of a mistake and now we’re stuck with it. It’s the political equivalent of getting a tattoo whilst drunk. It may have seemed like a good idea, but now we are stuck with it and everyone thinks you look like a prick.

Second, how to argue with someone on the other side to you. The best way to do this is whilst drunk, with as little information as possible, and possibly stood outside a train station in the nude.

This is the only way to properly convey your emotions on the matter. Another option is to make sure you have an England flag as your avatar on which ever social media site you are using, and to then misspell your argument as many times as you can in one status update.

You get extra points for using the words ‘traitors’, ‘the will of the people’ or ‘take our country back’. It is imperative at this point to make sure you overreact as much as you can to any form of criticism, go big or go home, cover your house in pictures of Nigel Farage, tell a croissant to fuck off, call your first child FREEDOM.

Image result for nigel farage mask

One of the hardest parts about involving yourself in an argument about Brexit is that we don’t actually have any facts on the matter. Nothing. It’s all a big guessing game.

The two sides seem to be divided into ‘I am sure this will turn out in my favour’ and ‘This may not turn out in my favour and we should worry about that’. Not to insinuate that blind faith is a bad thing, but thinking ‘I am sure this bear I have brought into my home won’t attack me’ isn’t much use when a bear is chomping on your guts in the middle of your newly furnished living room.

It is good to have faith in our country and our politicians, but when our politicians are a bunch of terrifying reptile people from the moon it doesn’t instil the greatest amount of confidence.

5 Quick steps to avoid Brexit:

Throw your phone in a river so no one can contact you

  1. Live in a small shed in the middle of nowhere and declare yourself a principality
  2. Throw away any symbols of the western world, you are a forest person now
  3. Make friends with an animal sidekick that you may need to keep around if food supplies run low
  4. Never come back into contact with any human ever. Your principality is your home now. Yes you may have left your family and not told them where you are going but you’ve made your bed now.

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So what is the best way to survive in Brexit Britain?

Is it to not let it get to you? To blindly not worry and hope things will just kind of work themselves out? Kinda yeah.

There isn’t much else we can do at this point (except cancelling Brexit which would make so much more sense but us Brits are too stubborn to admit we may have been wrong about anything).

So I suggest we all get a nice cup of tea, put the TV on (not the news) and try to forget about the current political climate of our little weird island. (This is a lie, we will all still be really angry but at least we will have tea).