This is Ten Random Questions, where we put ten randomly selected questions to a famous and/or interesting person. It's pretty self-explanatory, really.
Joining us this time is comedian Russell Howard, whose new show The Russell Howard Hour is on Thursdays at 10pm on Sky 1 and NOWTV.
Does ketchup go in the cupboard or the fridge?
Russell Howard: It goes in the fridge, absolutely. You're a heathen if you keep it at room temperature.
JOE: Ah, I'm a heathen then.
RH: Well, you're a weirdo. Talking of fridges, I was doing a gig in Bournemouth when I was very young, and on every other night of the week [the venue] was a strip club, but tonight it was a comedy club, and I got there and I opened the fridge hoping to find maybe some milk, and there were four dildos in the fridge.
To this day it remains the saddest rider I've ever seen. I like the idea that there was a lady going, "Them strap-ons better not be at room temperature, otherwise I am not going on." So, dildos outside the fridge, tomato sauce in.
JOE: Did you meet the person who owned those dildos?
RH: I didn't. I did the gig and left. You know those hand sanitisers? I just stood underneath one of them and cleaned my whole body.
What is your favourite swearword and why?
RH: Fuck. It's the Steven Gerrard of swear words. It can play any position. It always delivers when you need it.
JOE: Do you swear a lot in real life?
RH: When I'm coming up with new material on stage I swear all the time. There's a beautiful quote from Billy Connolly where he goes, "I love the word fuck because it just creates its own atmosphere." You know exactly what is meant when someone bellows 'fuck' at somebody. That's why you'd never read in a book, "FUCK, he hinted."
JOE: Do you believe in that comedic philosophy that a joke can't just lean on a swearword, it should be a funny joke to begin with?
RH: No, not especially. There is no science to it. Sometimes swearing is perfect and it suits the rhythm of a joke and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes swearing elevates it. Think about Bill Hicks, if you're exasperated and you're talking about the injustice of the Rodney King beatings then it kind of makes sense to go, "This is fucking ridiculous," rather than going full Seinfeld.
Where have you visited that, upon leaving, you swore you would never go again?
RH: [Thinks for a long time] Benidorm, maybe.
JOE: I've not been to Benidorm. What's it like?
RH: Well, if you like the weather hot and the food Full English breakfast and the TV
Only Fools and Horses, it's fine.
JOE: It's just like England in Spain, isn't it?
RH: Yeah, and all the people you hate from England are there too.
JOE: When did you go?
RH: A couple of years ago. We just went on a one-off night out there when I was staying in Spain, just to check it out. I was like, "Ooh, no. Not for me." There was a lot of that noise:
oooh, oooh!
Which film makes you cry every time without fail?
RH: Life is Beautiful. It's an Italian film about a man who tries to make a Holocaust camp funny for his son. It's absolutely wonderful. It's from 1996 but it's the greatest tearjerker ever made. It's properly wonderful.
JOE: [Understatement] That sounds quite heavy.
RH: It is, but it's also really funny. He's in a concentration camp with his son but he tricks him into thinking it's all a game.
The Germans are shouting at him and he doesn't understand German, and [the film] is kind of translating, going, "I really wanna win the tank, I hope I win the tank!" So the whole idea is that he just keeps his son masked away from the horror by making him laugh. Properly wonderful.
What sends you into a blind rage almost immediately?
RH: People who let their dog poo and then lean down, pick up the dog poo with one of those dog poo bags, and then tie it all up and then put the poo bag on the floor. Does my fucking head in. You've gone to that effort, just take it now to the bin rather than presenting it as some sort of turd present to the person who has to clean the streets. It kills me.
JOE: Do you think that's their thinking, "Well I've done my bit, now it's someone else's job to get the rest of it"?
RH: So lazy. That and people who throw money at the cashier. I was at Tesco the other day and this bloke just kind of threw £2 on the conveyor belt and it just fucking kills me.
JOE: It's just people being inconsiderate.
RH: Yeah. "Oh, your status is so elevated that you don't think about other people."
JOE: I do wonder, do they not realise what this looks like?
RH: Well that's the thing, it makes you suddenly think, "Oh god, are there things in my life that I do that are that obviously terrible?" I hope not.
Do you wash your legs in the shower or does the water just take care of them?
RH: The water takes care of them. I pay very little attention to my legs. I do me face, I do under me arms, and the rest is just grabbing what it can.
JOE: Are you aware of the people on the other side of this argument that are adamant that you have to clean everything, and that it's not clean if you haven't cleaned it?
RH: I can imagine them, I just don't have time to enjoy all my body. I've gotta get up and write jokes, so I'm very much a quickly [clean] underneath, two squirts of Sure, and I'm off.
JOE: I have a friend who has three separate loofahs that uses individually in the shower.
RH: Wow. Well, I used to live with John Richardson, and I imagine he has a similar set up. He was very particular. It wouldn't surprise me if he has a specific routine, but for me it's pretty much a free-for-all.
JOE: I'm going to have to talk to John, I need to investigate this.
RH: I would imagine he's got everything neatly laid out. I never checked, but he was certainly furious when he used to find Rice Krispies in his shoes.
JOE: Why were there Rice Krispies in his shoes?
RH: Because it would wind him up, so I put Rice Krispies in his shoes. It's just that noise, the mixture of hearing the crunch and hearing [does a spot-on John Richardson impression] "Oh, fucking hell." One of the true great noises. They go together like sausage and egg.
Would you rather be two foot shorter or two foot taller?
RH: Oh, two foot taller. I'm 5'9, so I'd go 7'9.
JOE: I suppose the other way you'd be 3'9, which isn't great, is it?
RH: Exactly. I'd just be able to hang out with Greg Davies and not feel weird. I was at a party recently and I was talking to Stephen Merchant and Greg, and you just feel so silly. Everyone's kind of looking at you, and you could see those two were just thinking, "I could really rest my pint on his head."
JOE: Who's taller out of the two of them?
RH: They're both the same. I think they're both 6'7, but because Greg is just an absolute unit, you might think of Greg as being taller, but they're both part-human, part-climbing frame.
What is your most useless skill that you're also extremely proud of?
RH: I'm very good at throwing a teabag across a room and making it land in a cup, which isn't much use to anyone but makes you feel good every time you do it.
JOE: Is this over the shoulder or straight ahead?
RH: No, I'm straight on, right hand with a bit of backspin.
JOE: Yeah, you don't wanna mess around when you're making a cup of tea. Are you particular about how you make your tea? Have you got a method?
RH: Yep. Stand away, throw the tea bag, make it land, hot water in, two stirs, pour a bit of milk in, take the tea bag out.
JOE: Sounds like the tea bag's not stewing for very long.
RH: Oh no, no. Two squirts of Sure and I'm off.
What is the dumbest joke that makes you laugh every time?
RH: Any from Mitch Hedberg, really. There's lovely joke where he's doing a set and he kind of goes, "Someone's left a hat on that table. Either that or that table is fucking hip." I really like that. And then he does this whole improvised bit about the table wearing a hat, and it's just the fact that it comes out of nowhere. It's a real window into the beauty of his brain.
JOE: Do you think there's an art to doing silly jokes?
RH: Yeah, with someone like Stu Francis, just because I don't do it and I don't think like that. They're beautifully detached, those guys like Milton Jones and Stu and Tim Vine. Their brains work in a different way. It's beautiful spending time with someone who's got such a unique strange little brain.
Stu Francis is so funny, he's got this beautiful joke where he just stares at his watch and pulls this crazy, gurning face of incredulity, and turns to the crowd and says, "I'm five minutes late for my overacting class." Being with a great one-liner comic is like hanging out with your favourite uncle.
Which is the best boy band and why?
RH: It'd have to be East 17, because there is video footage of me and my mate singing along to their hit 'Deep' when we are 17, so if I ever hear that it reminds me of being 17 and realising how sad and lonely we were that on a Friday night, instead of hanging out with girls, we were making a video where we were singing along to East 17 and 'Deep'. Full
Inbetweeners.
JOE: Does that exist online?
RH: No, my mate Richie's got it, and I'm not sure he's stuck it out on the internet yet, luckily. It was around that time he went through a phase - my friend Todd had a big panda, like a 6ft tall panda. Richie used to get it out and try and fuck it. Interesting times.
JOE: If that does get on the internet you'll be in good company because there's that video of
Adam Buxton, Joe Cornish and Louis Theroux dancing to 'Groove Is in the Heart'.
RH: Oh, really? Wow! Well, there you go. Maybe we could do a Comic Relief sing-off. Me and my crew against Theroux and Adam and Joe.
The Russell Howard Hour is on Thursdays at 10pm on Sky 1 and NOWTV. 
