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26th Dec 2016

RIP…just don’t bang on about them being black, gay or believing in anything

RIP in peace

Nooruddean Choudry

2016. What a bastard.

It seems that not a week goes by without another famous person dying. Indeed it’s hard to believe that prior to this calendar year, celebrities popped their clogs at sensible intervals, maybe one or two a year if you were lucky. No one actually died in 2011.

I quite like it though, I mean, I suppose it’s sad for the families and loved ones, but it allows me to regularly change my avatar to the latest departed celeb, and google quotes that sound all poignant and shit. Also I really enjoy calling 2016 a ‘bastard’.

But what I don’t like is when folk start bringing gayness and blackness and stuff into it. Someone dies, and before I’ve got a chance to say I’ve got all their albums, or that I met them once and they lit up the room, some do-gooder is making it about ‘issues’.

What’s their problem? Why can’t they just let us enjoy a good RIP? It’s like when Muhammad Ali croaked it and folk were making out that being black defined his beliefs and achievements. Personally I don’t see colour, and didn’t even notice he was black.

‘Ooh he’s an important role model for black people!’ – well, why can’t he be a role model for everyone? Why mention the black bit at all? It’s not as if black people are forced to endure a shared experience of being treated differently all their lives. All deaths matter.

Gene Wilder was Jewish? I didn’t know and don’t care – he was Willy Wonka for me, and chocolate has no religion. There was certainly nothing Jewish about his absurdist bittersweet humour. Ditto Andrew Sachs, who was Spanish anyway, so check your facts.

I was as upset as anyone when Jo Cox died, but they ruined it by making it all political. A politician dies carrying out constituency work at the hands of a fanatic zealot with extreme political views, and suddenly it’s all about politics? Gimme a break.

Of course her husband made it worse by banging on about issues that mattered to her whilst she was still alive, and continuing to raise awareness about stuff they both campaigned about for years. Why let all that overshadow the mourning period for me and others?

Worst are the gays. They tried to claim David Bowie was a gay icon, and made out he was one of them bisexuals – Bowie! He was married FFS! And now they’re doing the same with George Michael, making a big deal out of the whole ‘gay’ thing.

Now I’ve got nothing against homosexualityism – I’m pretty sure a guy at work is one – but why go on about it? There’s George Michael in the bedroom – or his cottage – and there’s George Michael in the recording studio, and I’m only interested in the latter.

I read somewhere that Outside – which I love – is meant to be a ‘gay anthem’ – how exactly?! It’s clearly a song about going outside and enjoying nature. Let’s go outside “in the sunshine” – it’s something you’d do with the missus! Not gay at all.

But of course you can’t say that these days, can you? Because that would ‘offend’ people. Blacks, gays, Muslims, Jews, feminists, lefties – they’ve all got an agenda. Whatever, just don’t spoil my personal enjoyment of a celebrity snuffing it.

Let me RIP in peace and make the most of a good death – without you bringing up their actual lives.