Search icon


18th May 2018

Ranking the members of the Royal Family by how likely they are to be a lizard

I, for one, welcome our new reptilian overlords.

Kyle Picknell

We are the child at the lizard tank, our chubby face pressed against the hot glass, looking for our favourite reptile in the pet shop

Belief is a funny thing. Some people believe the earth is flat. Some people believe wearing flip-flops anywhere that isn’t the beach or the pool is acceptable. Some people believe that tapping a shaken beer can three times means that it can’t possibly fizz up. Some people believe that mayo should be spread on all sandwiches, every sandwich to ever exist. (Wrong, a thousand times wrong. Mayo can do one.)

And, some people believe that the Royal Family are an ancient species of extra-terrestrial reptilian humanoids. Well, one person. I’m still on the fence.

That said, with the Royal Wedding yet again seeing a scale-laden union aired to millions of regular humanoids across the globe, which among them is actually the most likely to be a lizard? Let us find out, together.

Last place – The babies. The royal babies

I don’t know how many royal babies there are – there seem to be hundreds, there seems to be a new royal baby every week – but do you not think they’re a bit young to be brought into this discussion?

They have very important lives ahead of them, the royal babies. Lifetimes of smiling and waving, waving and smiling, of living in councils home that just happens to be palaces, of visiting other countries as an ‘ambassador’,  of dressing up as Nazis at fancy dress parties, of pretending to enjoy shaking the hands of commoners, of marrying distant relatives and then, finally, of having their own royal babies.

Please do, royal babies, enjoy your palaces and your wealth and your distorted lives beyond means, but just know, just know that you will never experience the true essence of humanity: having to share a bath with your sibling(s) because there isn’t enough hot water, getting your greasy, tangled hair washed via jug, bawling your eyes out courtesy of the ‘No Tears’ shampoo, then towling up and drying off in front of the warm, loving glow of the tele.

You will never experience that, royal babies. You will live until you are old, but you will never truly live.

9th place – Philip

You think Philip is a lizard, don’t you? You think Philip is probably the most likely to be a lizard. But Philip is not a lizard. Philip is not a lizard in the same way that in a film it’s never the most likely suspect who is the murderer. Of course it isn’t. That’s too easy.

He might look a bit like a lizard and make noises a bit like a lizard and sometimes if you squint your eyes, yes, yes his tongue does look a bit forked, and sometimes you catch it shovelling insects into his mouth, but unfortunately that just isn’t enough, he just isn’t a lizard. He is just an old man. A very old man. He is 96 years old. Even lizards don’t live that long. A tuatara lizard can reach 100 years, sometimes, but that is really rare. He is definitely not a lizard.

8th place – Charles

Another prime suspect for what can only be described as ‘just actually being a lizard’, Charles gets off like his father for a very important reason. Lizards are cold-blooded, even a primary school biology textbook will tell you that. Their blood is cold.

Lizard’s, with their blood all cold and shit, are always grey, or green. Have you noticed that? Have you noticed what colour lizards always are? Well. Look at Charles. Look at his face, as bright as a 22-year-old male beetroot gym bro that wears vests exclusively and doesn’t think they need sun cream abroad.

Charles, if anything, has blood too hot, too vociferously warm. Look at him. Look at how red his face is. You cannot tell me under any circumstances that this man is a lizard. You just can’t. He has blood hotter than gravy, in a kettle, boiling away within the earth’s core, wrapped in a scarf. Look at him. He is red. He is about to explode. He is about to fucking explode into a sea of exclusively red Skittles.

7th place – Kate

She married William. That’s a bit suspicious, isn’t it? Don’t you think that’s a bit suspicious? I find it a bit suspicious to be honest. Sometimes when I look at Kate Middleton I don’t actually register her as a person, she strikes me the same way a hedge does, or a bus stop. She’s just sort of there. But is she a lizard? I don’t know. I don’t know anything about her. But she did marry Prince William, so I remain suspicious. Potentially a lizard.

6th place – Camilla

BONUS ROUND: Camilla’s names/titles ranked from poshest to least posh.

  1. Camilla Parker-Bowles

This isn’t a name, it’s a name and then a list of her favourite character from Thunderbirds and then her favourite sport (albeit spelt wrong to avoid suspicion). It’s a statement of intent, this. If it were a person it would try and marry into the royal family, twice.

2. Camilla Rosemary Shand

Grilled lamb cutlets, sautéed potatoes, rosemary shand, asparagus, garlic sauce.

You’d order it, wouldn’t you? You’d lap that right up. £26 for half a plate of food and the ‘presentation’. Sickeningly posh.

3. Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall

The Duchess of Cornwall is the name of the Spoons where you threw up back into your pint glass. Not posh. Not posh at all.

Is she a lizard? I don’t know, frankly. Couldn’t tell you. Your guess is as good as mine, to be quite honest.

5th place – William

I’ve always had the weird sense with William that he reminded me of something, every time I looked at him, every time I saw a picture. There was… something he always conjured in me, a feeling I could never quite place. It is now, and only now, I understand what that feeling is.

William looks like a humphead parrotfish. Google it in your own time. But yeah, more fish than lizard.

4th place – Meghan

Imagine living in LA. Imagine living in LA and being a successful actress. Imagine living in LA and being a successful actress and going on a blind date. You arrive at the restaurant and a little ginger boy is there waiting, and you think it’s Ed Sheeran at first, but it isn’t Ed Sheeran, it’s this strange man telling you he is a prince.

A prince? Does this look like a fucking Disney film to you Harold? Look at me. Look at you. We are not getting together mate. You look exactly like a hundred million freckly schoolboys all put in a blender and I look like an irradiant, beautiful actress who lives in LA, you know what I mean?

That’s how it should have gone. It didn’t go like that. Conclusion? Lizard. Or at least a newt. She’s retired from acting to spend the rest of her days acting, pretending not to be a reptile. Please. Wake. Up. Sheeple.

3rd place – Elizabeth

You know that moment in The Simpsons when Lisa drinks toxic water at Duff Gardens, gets really ill, paranoid and hallucinatory and in her hysteria just screams “I AM THE LIZARD QUEEN”?

Remember that? Do you?

The Queen watches that daily, and always nods and says “big mood” afterwards.  She does. I promise you. She does.

2nd place – Harry

Harry is a lizard. Look at him. He looks kinda normal doesn’t he? He looks a bit like one of your mates. He looks a bit like one of everybody’s mates. You know, the ginger one. The ginger guy. He seems to be the most down to earth, the most human, the one always, always up for going to the pub. Really distinctly average at sport. Used to think he was a surfer because he owned some Billabong shorts and a beaded necklace. That guy. You know the one. Had an acoustic guitar but never learned how to play it. Wet himself in an Argos. That dude.

With Harry, sure, you’d have a good time for a while, you might even beat him at pool. But when you’re stood at the bar and he’s getting a round in you might notice something. Something just a little off. Your eyes catch his. Hold on. Wait a second. How can your eyes catch his? He is facing forward, asking the barman to recommend him an amber ale under 4% (there isn’t one).

A single eye protrudes from the side of his head, not the front, just next to his ear. It is bulbous and dark. His iris is long, not circular. This is when you know. This is when you realise. They are evolving. They are getting better. They are among us.

He sits down, he gives you a pint, he clinks your glass. He thinks he is fine. Somehow he drinks the entire thing without lifting it from the table. You are onto him.

1st place – The babies. The royal babies

What? What is it? Did you think I was leaving them out of this because they are babies? Did you honestly think that? Did you honestly think that because they are babies and that they are the royal babies I would just leave them all out of this? The royal babies? Oooooo leave them alone they’re just the babies, the royal babies. No. No chance. Fuck off. I said they would never know the essence of humanity, didn’t I?

Did you see Kate after the birth? Did she look like she’d just given birth, the human way, to a human baby? Did she? Did she look like that to you? Or, did she look like she’d just laid an egg, all calm and tranquil like a free-range chicken?

Yes, actually. Yes she did.

Logically I can’t have the babies, the scaly reptilian babies, anywhere but first because their parents, and their grandparents, and their aunt and uncles are all on this list too. How could they not be first? Fundamentally they could not end up anywhere else.

They, simply put, are the most likely to be lizards. They are. Have a good day.

*Note: All royal babies born since this piece was first published also belong in this category. No exceptions.