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31st Jan 2017

Psychologist reveals the three things that you should never, ever say to your partner

Bear traps to avoid.

Paul Moore

Surprisingly, the statement ‘I’m banging someone else’, didn’t make the list.

There’s an adage that’s true about most relationships, whether their romantic, platonic or professional.

You can say the right thing a million times and nothing major will come of it, but say the wrong thing once and you won’t hear the end of it. Any experience of that?

When it comes to conversing with your partner, we’re certain that you’re all smooth, thoughtful and intelligent talkers, but as we all know, there are some phrases that can kill romance faster than a fart between the sheets.

Writing for Psychology Today, Clinical Psychologist Alexandra Solomon Ph.D. has revealed the three most common things that you should never, ever say to your partner.

While statements like ‘I’m sleeping with your friend’, ‘all of a sudden, I find you revolting’ or ‘I’d rather live on the moon than be with you’ are obviously a big non-no, they’re not exactly common utterances in a relationship…we hope!

Ok, so what are the three biggest verbal-clusterf**ks that you can make?

1) ‘If you loved me, you would…’

Explainer: When you say this, you are saying that you really want your partner to say or do something. The problem is that your partner can easily say back to you, “Well, if you loved me, you wouldn’t ask me to…” It is far more “intimacy-inviting” (as I describe it in my book) to say, “I am having such a hard time understanding what is keeping you from doing this. The story I am telling myself is that you must not love me very much.

2) Why isn’t it like it used to be between us?

Explainer: When people say this, they are fighting against the reality that love changes over time. The way you feel during the first year of a relationship is not the same as you feel in the seventh. And wishing the relationship was the way it used to be keeps you stuck in a fairy tale. Instead, ask for what you want, right here, right now. “I want us to go out on dates like we used to do,” or, “I would love for you to give me a massage like you used to.” Does this make you more vulnerable? Yes. More likely to get you what you want? Yes!

3) You’re acting just like your mother!

Explainer: Yeah, that’s an obvious one.