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28th Feb 2018

Police think Storm Emma will unexpectedly allow them to catch criminals

This will definitely, definitely work

Kyle Picknell

If you know, you know.

In a stunning piece of detective work Kingsbridge Police have launched a campaign to help them catch criminals whilst Storm Emma – not to be confused with “The Beast from the East” – descends across the UK.

The campaign is thus: if you see someone with a roof like this amidst all this mad snow then just give them a call and grass up your neighbour.

The photo actually comes from the Netherlands, where police caught someone illegally growing cannabis in their own home a few years ago. Of course it was in Holland. Of course the house was just outside Amsterdam.

Unfortunately, the tactic of smashing down people’s doors just because the snow has melted on their roof might not be as completely foolproof as it might seem. Police in Yorkshire raided a house in 2009 after they detected suspicious heat patterns through an infra-red camera, only to find out it was just a middle-aged man with a wood-burning stove. Which all sounds very Hot Fuzz, to be honest.

Will this actually catch anyone? Will anyone grass up their neighbour? Will someone simply living without loft insulation have their door booted in? Will Kingsbridge Police respond to all the messages on their Facebook page telling them to go and catch terrorists and pedophiles instead?

The answer to all of these questions, as always, is no, probably not.

A shame really.