Man gets his testicles trapped in IKEA chair, asks them for help on Facebook
This is a thing that happened
Right. So... right.
A man, a Norwegian man, got his testicles caught in an IKEA chair whilst he was in the shower.
That's the first bit of information you need to know. Let's just take this one baby step at a time. There is a lot to process.
Ok, so, what happened was, he was sat in the shower on his IKEA chair and his testicles sort of, dropped, presumably, into the holes at the top of the IKEA chair. With holes in it. Testicle sized holes. Right at the top. The bit you sit on. Where your testicles would be.
The reason he was sitting in the chair naked is probably your first thought. He was sitting naked because, the man in question, Norwegian photographer Claus Jørstad, has a knee injury which means it is painful for him to stand.
Ahhhh, you're exhaling. Ahhhhhh. That bit makes sense. That bit is fine. But also, still, HOW? You're still wondering HOW, aren't you?
HOW exactly did his testicles become trapped?
Well, let me explain through the medium of photography, which feels appropriate.
Here is the stool in question, in the shower in question, the scene of the crime. And, presumably, you already know what testicles look like/how they are shaped.
Yep. It all makes sense now, doesn't it? You can quite easily see how his testicles could become stuck were he to sit on this stool naked in the shower. You can now quite clearly imagine how all those pieces of the IKEA testicle incident puzzle fall neatly into place.
It suddenly hits you and you pull a bit of a face and scrunch up your nose and that, really, is the only possible reaction to this news story. And that's whether you have testicles or not. It is universally acknowledged how sensitive that area is.
Please, allow me to give you some more detail. Somehow it gets better.
Claus posted a lengthy message about the incident on Norway's IKEA Facebook Page, perhaps as a serious warning to anyone considering buying a small stool for their shower, but also to ask for help.
He was probably enjoying himself at first, I imagine, sat down with a big grin on his face as the steam met his skin. He was probably lost in his own giddy universe of relaxation, blissfully unaware of the horror that awaited.
But then the hot water, the hot water, well, it caused things to expand. Certain areas of his body. Certain areas of his body located directly beneath his penis. Certain testicle-based areas.
And that's what it dawned on him, the stark realisation that he might just have to live the rest of his life with a red metal stool attached to his scrotum.
“Sitting there and noticing the accident, I bent down to see what the f*ck happened, I realized the little nutter has got stuck,” Jørstad explained on the Facebook page.
'The Little Nutter'. That's our best translation of the Norwegian he uses to describe his ballsack. Incredible. Soak that in for a second.
Ok, let's continue, it gets even better. Look. He wrote the following:
"I couldn’t fucking move. Imagine an angry Irishman having an incident, cursing his way.
And as I couldn't move, I started pondering how the hell I was gonna get outta the mess. After a lot of pondering forth and back, I realised I had no bloody ideas.
The water turned cold by itself. So I started freezing. The water got cold. Even more cold than my mother-in-law’s smile when I married her daughter."
And guess what? Thanks to the harsh mother-in-law coldness of the water, his testicles started shrinking.
Just like that, his genitals were freed from their IKEA stool prison.
Oh, by the way, Swedish people don't like referring to their meat and two veg directly, so Claus called them his "Popeye and the two boatsmen".
Which is similar... and yeah, fitting.
IKEA took the time to respond to the whole incident, because of course they did. Nothing like a valued customer, is there? Particularly one who got his balls caught in your furniture and is STILL interested in your products.
Commenting directly on the post, they said: "Hey Claus. We recommend that you take the stool out of the shower…if you choose to keep it in the shower, make sure you are well dressed for your next sea excursion.”
Meanwhile, Claus had his own ingenious solution. He calls it, and this is not a joke, "the weinermonkey" ('fantorangen in Norwegian).
Here it is, the weinermonkey:
Once again, incredible.
Fortunately, Claus didn't suffer any serious injury during the ordeal, and it was an ordeal, but has since admitted that his stomach muscles hurt from laughing at all the comments on his Facebook posts.
A free man now, he chose to get the very heart of the matter and ask if IKEA stock the chair in yellow.
Conclusion: they do not. They do not sell this stool in yellow.
Also be careful with your balls. That's the other conclusion.