First of all, no
YouGov have confirmed the news we have all long feared today in announcing the results of the most divisive poll since Brexit. The results of the nation’s favourite ice lolly are in, and let me tell you, they are not pretty. They are not pretty at all.
Look. At. The. State. Of. It.
One in four people in this absolute mess of a country with a favourite ice lolly, repeat, ice LOLLY, have claimed that it is a Magnum.
Right. Riiiiiight. Deep breaths. Let’s go about tearing this bourgeoisie ice lolly nonsense right down to the ground, shall we? Yeah. Let’s do that. Let’s do just that.
Issue number 1: NEITHER A MAGNUM OR A FEAST ARE AN ICE LOLLY
OK, yeah, they do have a stick in them. So in that sense, yeah, I guess, I guess they maybe could be described as an ice lolly in the same sense that a cricket bat or a mixed meat skewer could be described as an ice lolly if you are an absolutely batshit insane person who thinks that simply having a stick is the only basis on which something qualifies as an ice lolly.
Let me define exactly what an ice lolly is just so we’re clear. Let me just fucking spell it out for you.
It is called a lolly, yeah, because it is derived from the word ‘lollipop’, yeah? Are you with me? Yeah? Which is a hard boiled sweet attached to the end of a stick. So yeah, lollipops have sticks, but that’s not the important part. The important is part that they are sweet tasting. You know, like sweets. Yeah? Do you understand? So here’s the thing:
Sweets and chocolate are not the same, and neither is an ice lolly or a chocolate covered ice cream. They are different, they taste different, they feel different and they look different. Please stop embarrassing yourselves. Please stop supporting this false stick ideology.
This is their Wikipedia page:
This is their website:
Stop it. Stop it immediately. Never, ever do it again.
Issue number 2: FABS ARE BAD
FABS ARE BAD!
FABS ARE REALLY BAD!
BIN THEM OFF FOREVER! LITERALLY KEEP EVERYTHING ELSE BUT FABS! LOLLY, CREAM, CONE, ROCKET OR FOOT! AS LONG AS IT’S NOT A FAB! FINE IF YOUR MUM GETS THEM IN IN THE BIG SHOP! BUT SHE DOESN’T KNOW ANY BETTER! WHY WOULD YOU PURCHASE ONE FROM AN ICE CREAM VAN? WHY!? LOOK AT THE VARIETY! LOOK AT IT!
IT’S NEVER EVER A FAB FOR ME LADS!
Issue number 3: THE ELDERLY ELECTORAL COHORT ARE RUINING EVERYTHING AGAIN
Only 12% of 18-24 year olds named the Magnum as their favourite. 42% of those aged 65 or older named the Magnum as their favourite.
Do you see? Do you see how they are wrong, continuously, about everything? And it is the younger generation that suffer? Do you see now? Do you see how this frankly meaningless ice lolly poll is an accurate representation of our current absolute chasm of a political divide between the short-termism of the elderly voters and the current entire generation who can’t afford to buy a house, you know, the most basic of human necessities, an actual home to live in? Yeah?
Stop voting for the Magnums and the Tories please old people! Think about us please! We have to deal with all this for the forseeable future! Life is bad for a lot of us because of your voting decisions! Please think about them more carefully!
Issue number 4: CALIPPO ORANGE
Where are they? Where the fuck are they? They don’t have a stick, I know. I’ve already addressed that. But I have eaten many in my lifetime, in fact I’ve had more Calippo Oranges instead of an actual hot dinner more than you’ve had hot dinners and let me tell you something. They are one of, if not the single best, ice lolly.
It is revolutionary, the Calippo Orange, because the thing is, the truth of the matter is, that sticks are actually a terrible design flaw in the construction of the ice lolly. Sticks are completely redundant anyway.
It’s true. Honestly, it’s true. It just doesn’t really work as a system.
The issue is that when your ice lolly eventually begins melting it leaves you in an extremely, fundamentally, sticky predicament. It is sticky because of the stick as in the little wooden pole that is stuck inside the lolly but also sticky as in the adjective to describe something possessing the quality of stickiness such as when the lolly becomes exposed to mild warmth.
Like I said, doubly sticky.
Do you see? Not a problem for the Calippo mate. Not an issue at all.
Anyway, you have three options on how to proceed, and they are thus:
- Option 1 – Embrace the stickiness
Usually this is the option taken for people with a hangover ranging anywhere between mild to completely dehabilitating, and they simply do not give a fuck. They realise the ice lolly is melting, but because of their mental state and numbed senses they haven’t actually realised until the sticky residue has dripped down the stick itself, all over the hands, and onto their fresh white shirt, leaving a very noticeable yellow splodge.
They know they are too far gone now, the damage is already done, and when they go back to the office someone will undoubtedly point it out and have a little chuckle. “Fuck it,” they think, and after a couple of shrugs they continue through the final third of the icy treat, wipe their hands on their trousers, and head back to work.
These people simply do not care, and that should be respected. These people are not to be trifled with. Do not laugh at their Solero stain. They will get you back for it, sooner or later.
- Option 2 – Tilt the ice lolly sideways and ingest it like a baby bird awaiting for the vomit food from its mother (PROFESSIONALS ONLY)
If you know what I’m talking about here then I don’t really need to explain further. You’re a seasoned ice lolly consumer and you know how to handle any drippage situation. Hats off to you.
For the unintiated, what you do is slide the remaining body of the ice lolly into the central area of the stick whilst simultaneously grabbing hold of both ends of the stick. Be careful with the top end, as this bit will be extra sticky. Use only the very tip of your thumb and forefinger, like you were trying to pick up a 5p piece from the floor.
Now, simply dangle it above your mouth so that any excess drops land where are they are supposed to, in your wide-open gob, and lick, suck and/or chump away. It’s like how people eat corn on the cob, except loads, loads better because it’s not sweetcorn.
- Option 3 – Fuck it off into the bin
This is the recommended option for a Fab. If it is any other ice lolly however, then it just isn’t allowed. Anyone who does this is a monster and needs to be stopped. Please do report them to the relevant authorities. Be vigilant.
So what I’m saying is, basically the point of all this is simply that the little cardboard sleeve that Calippo’s live to ensure you can eat it with minimal mess/without looking like a baby bird, is actually an incredible feat of ice lolly engineering and should be taken into consideration along with the taste of the ice lolly itself.
Which, by the way, tastes like, I don’t know, if the sun wasn’t a giant star at the centre solar system but just a big fuck off orange at the centre of the solar system and then one it day it exploded but when it did explode instead of creating a monumental black hole that would slowly destroy the universe it just exploded loads of orangey goo that splooshed directly onto your head.
Nobody elses head, just your head.
And that day also happened to be a really hot day, even though there is no sun because the sun has been replaced by an orange in this extended simile, and also the orange sploosh happened to be freezing cold somehow.
Yeah, it tastes something like that. It should have been somewhere in the top five at least, is what I’m saying.
Issue number 5: SOLEROS AND TWISTERS ARE ALSO GOOD TO BE FAIR*
SOLEROS AND TWISTERS ARE ALSO GOOD TO BE FAIR. CAN WE JUST SORT THIS OUT PLEASE?
*A Solero is somehow both an ice cream and an ice lolly. I don’t know how. It just is. It’s special.