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06th Jan 2017

21 really fucking manly products that let everyone know you’re a man

Dude Wipes: For people who shit and are also men.

Rich Cooper

1. Manly combs

Photo: @img_politics

Male grooming is essentially a pansy activity, unless you groom yourself with something that resembles a tool for whittling wood or stabbing people.

2. Manly chapsticks

Photo: @ashleydianette

It comes in stealth plane black, just in case anyone catches you with it and laughs at you for having lips.

A man with lips! Imagine.

3. Manly washing detergent

Photo: @barefootbrklyn7

I hereby bestow upon you, Dave Jenkins, the Medal of Valour for acts of heroism in the face of really rather stubborn stains.

4. Manly toothpaste

Photo: @colinshram

It has extra ingredients that break down all the barbecued meat and pork scratchings that get stuck in men’s teeth.

5. Manly smells

Photo: @r_udina

WARNING: This product will not actually give you really ripped abs, only the scent of them. Best described as a ‘slightly sweaty musk’.

6. Manly soap

Photo: @a_vantgarbage

“Duke” and “Cannon”, two of the manliest words in the English language, employed here to combat the sissiest of notions: personal hygiene.

7. Manly candles

Photo: @AshleyEmrick

For when you want to have a quiet night in, curled up on the couch with a nice glass of wine, a few choccys and a good book, but under no circumstances will tolerate any kind of pussy-ass candles under your fucking roof.

8. Manly yoga

Photo: @AnaTheNavigator

“We now move from the Kegstand Sunrise through to the Double-Braced Machine Gun Push-up…”

9. Manly gift bags

Photo: @mofleticos

The worst thing about this is the improper use of a semicolon. The second-worst thing about this is everything else.

10. Manly… potatoes?

Photo: @PapercutPinkies

There’s something so unsavoury about a potato with jacked biceps, or indeed biceps at all.

11. Manly toilet wipes

Photo: @JoeltonMayfield

Dude Wipes: For people who shit and are also men.


Photo: @JoeltonMayfield

Next time you make a bit of a mess when eating a burrito, just whip out your Dude Wipes and clean yourself up. There, no more embarrassment!

12. Manly deodorant

Photo: @themightyug

Do all men’s deodorants have to be ‘extreme’? What’s wrong with ‘effective’ or ‘adequate’?

13. Manly cocktails

Photo: @adamshugazi

If you want to order a cocktail but don’t want people to think you’re a woman, then a manmosa is definitely the drink to order.

14. Manly chocolate

Photo: @crystalljne

Why does this sound like it’s made from cum?

15. Manly birthday cards

Photo: @Hotmadmolz10

Happy birthday to you (no homo)

Happy birthday to you (no homo)

Happy birthday dear Man

Happy birthday to you (just so you know I’m not gay but happy birthday anyway)

16. Manly cookery books

Photo: @TheSlainGod

For a no-nonsense guide to buying, cooking and eating great food, this looks exceptionally complicated.

17. Manly gift cards

Photo: @dylaaanking

You must carry this card with you at all times, lest you be stopped by the Man Police under suspicion of being a girly boy.

18. Manly yoghurt

Photo: @Melodramasalad

Yoghurt, of course, is a food that women eat, unless you eat Powerful Yoghurt. This way, when your colleague calls you out for being a ‘gay yoghurt ponce’, you can point out that you’re finding your inner abs, and that in fact he is the ‘gay yoghurt ponce’.

19. Manly trays? Really?

Photo: @littleleotas

Good, because there are fewer and fewer safe places for manly things these days, eh lads? Bloody feminists.

20. Manly bread. Fucking bread

Photo: @bonesauce94

It’s a real bread for real blokes, just like your grandad would have eaten when he was shipbuilding and fighting bears. Made with organic flax, organic pumpkin seeds and organic sesame seeds.

21. Manly dog shampoo?? What have dogs got to do with this?

Photo: @jeenskii

Who’s a good boy? Who indeed.