*Frantically clicks add to basket*
Hey! Hey there cool guy! Do you like Versace? Do you also, per chance, like Balanciaga, the Spanish high fashion label who sound like an Athletic Bilbao fullback?
Do you, like me, understand fashion in a way that the normal person doesn’t? As in, that you understand it so deeply that you are willing to make yourself look like a complete and utter twat, but you will do it seriously and poutlily with that duck face and those cheek bones of yours, and you will pay thousands of pounds for the privilege, and therefore, you will look very good?
Let me explain how it works. First of all you, on purpose, make youself look bad, and stupid. On purpose. Yeah? Are with you me so far? And then what happens, because you have paid lots of money, and it is quite obvious you have paid lots of money because of how terrible the clothes are, and nobody would ever wear those clothes if they weren’t so expensive, because of that, because of all that, actually you look good. You look really good. That’s how it works. Because money. Are you still with me?
Exhibit A: T-SHIRT SHIRT
COST: Why, only £935! You can hand them a £1000 note and come back with change? Do £1000 notes exist? I don’t know! I’m poor! Hooray! Three cheers for Balenciaga!
WEBSITE DESCRIPTION: “Striped short sleeves and long sleeves shirts with two wearing options”
Ah yes, two wearing options! On and off! Like every other piece of clothing in the universe!
INT. BALANCIAGA DESIGN ROOM:
“What about… what about if we had a shirt, and then just, fuck, I don’t know, put another shirt on it…”
“Miguel you are crazy dude. Impossible. It can’t be done”
*5 minutes later*
“Holy shit”
But look, here we are, and I have to say it does look brilliant. You can go to fancy dress parties as a human washing line. Did you ever think about that? You didn’t did you. Order one. Take out a bank loan. Sell your kidneys. I don’t care. Pritt stick a shirt onto another shirt. This is the 21st century baby. Drink it in. Anything is possible.
Exhibit B: STRIPED DOWN JACKET
COST: Only £1,895! To look like this man! Yes!
WEBSITE DESCRIPTION: “Striped technical fabric puffer jacket”
Is this… is this the least aesthetically pleasing outfit you have ever seen? Is it the most uncool human in existence under there, under that puffa jacket like a fairground bouncy castle, under those ten euro Zante sunglasses he is also wearing with said puffa jacket?
WHAT WEATHER IS THIS OUTFIT APPROPRIATE FOR? BOOTCUT JEANS. PUFFA JACKET. SUNNIES. WHERE HAS THIS MAN BEEN? WHERE IS THIS MAN GOING? IS HE ON DAY RELEASE?
Fashion, that’s where he’s been and that’s where he is going. You just don’t understand.
EXHIBIT C: DOUBLE SHIRT
COST: £1,085! More than the ‘T-SHIRT SHIRT’ even though it looks it actually contains less shirt overall! Completely! Logical!
WEBSITE DESCRIPTION: “Striped short sleeves and long sleeves shirts with two wearing options”
Here he is again, the only fashion model I have ever seen that looks like he worked at a Blockbuster in the early 2000s.
Is this is the same concept as the ‘T-Shirt Shirt’? It is, isn’t it? It’s the same. It’s literally exactly the same. Except, actually, no it isn’t, it’s completely different, and somehow it costs more.
I keep telling you. I’m sick of telling you. Fashion, yeah? Yeah. Deal. With. It.
EXHIBIT D: DRY CLEAN NORMAL FIT SHIRT
COST: NO
WEBSITE DESCRIPTION: “Small woven checks shirt bonded in a plastic film”
This is it. This is it. This is it. This is the single most ‘fashion’ to ever fashion. Look at it. It’s a shirt, with plastic over it. It costs £835. For a shirt. With plastic over it. A shirt. Plastic. Shirt. Plastic. Eight hundred and thirty five pounds of money. Dry cleaning.
But it’s clever, actually. Don’t you see? Can’t you see that? Because what it is, and again, let me explain, is it’s actually meant to look like your shirt when it comes back from the dry cleaners. Still confused? Let me break it down.
First of all, normal people don’t use the dry cleaners, do they? Haha. Great. They have to physically clean and iron stuff THEMSELVES. Hahaha. Second of all, IT HASN’T ACTUALLY COME FROM THE DRY CLEANERS. It looks like it has, haha, but if you look again, and look closely, you might notice it is all part of the design, and it hasn’t actually been to the dry cleaners. Hahaha. What a world. Still not sure? I mean, it is pretty convincing. It is very convincing, this grand illusion. But fear not, don’t worry, I will hold you very close and still and slowly whisper to you how much this shirt cost, where I got it from, and how it looks like it has been to the dry cleaners but actually it hasn’t been to the dry cleaners.
And you will understand. It will all become clear. Fashion. It is fashion.
What happens when I have to send it to the dry cleaners, to get it dry cleaned like all my other shirts?
I don’t know mate! Lol! Probably put another plastic sheet over it won’t they. The mad bastards. Fashion, eh? It’s crazy. It really is. Still, I wouldn’t change it. Wouldn’t swap it for anything. Wouldn’t swap for one friend, or a single person who cares for me, or a fleeting moment of happiness in my otherwise miserable life as a fade into black atom by atom. NOW WHERE IS MY T-SHIRT SHIRT AND TOTE BAG? I HAVE MY FOURTH BRUNCH OF THE DAY TO ATTEND.
