17 situations where you should just keep your f*cking phone in your f*cking pocket
Smartphones are great.
Without them, how would we ever be able to scour the hashtag #geekpickuplines on the train home from work, while also keeping an eye on the scores and slyly taking pictures of the passenger opposite's dangerously loud choice of tie?
But there's an extensive list of situations where having your phone out is just not on at all.
1. In the cinema
One of the biggest no-nos in all of the smartphone-using no-nos; there's a fiery corner of hell reserved for people who use their phones for absolutely anything while at the flicks. There are no caveats here. That warning message that flashes on screen before the film, occasionally in the form of a cutesy animation? It's not to be f*cking ignored.
2. At a gig
Whipping out your phone to record a quick video at a gig is often tempting. Sometimes you just want to try and bottle the euphoria in the crowd or check that the ridiculous pyrotechnic display on stage is really happening. But in reality, you're only taking yourself out of the moment.
3. At the urinal
Sitting wee (we're all entitled to the occasional treat) is the prime location for a phone check. We have no issue with that. But standing wee? Nope. People feel pretty strongly about the subject, as evidenced by this comment on a Reddit thread.
4. When you're at the football
The beautiful game is about drama and the unexpected. It's about passion and feeling the pulsating energy of the stadium. It's not about holding your mobile above your head for the entire 90 minutes as if it's some sort of obligation. If you want to watch football on a screen then save yourself the cash and lie on your sofa. You can take as many selfies as you like there.
Almost all of them watching the penalty through the screen of their phone, yards away from the live action. Mental. pic.twitter.com/rQZDSbGGw1
— Marc Duffy (@MarcSDuffy) April 12, 2016
5. During a funeral
Seems pretty obvious, but far more people are guilty of this than you might have thought. Back in 2013, The Guardian reported that one in six people admitted to having either taken or received a call, texted or used social media when paying their final 'respects' to the dead. Yep, one in six.
6. When you're having a haircut
Small-talk with the barber can be awkward at times. There are always periods of awkward silence after you've finished the obligatory update on your job. But this is not an excuse to get your phone out. You must endure and ignore the temptation.
7. During a comedy show
There surely can't be many more soul-destroying things than standing on stage trying to make a mob of heckling loons laugh, only to look down and see someone on the front row staring disinterestedly at their Facebook timeline. Even if a stand-up routine is excruciatingly crap, you can't put that level of rejection on your fellow man. By all means go grab a beer if it's that bad, but stay away from the smartphone.
8. During sex
If you've noticed someone doing this to you, then you might want to think about upping your bedroom game. Now, we know some couples like to film their sexy exploits on their phone cameras. If that's your bag, then fine, porn away. Let's not be the generation that ruined sex forever.
9. On the dancefloor
We can potentially wave this one if the phone is part of some elaborate routine, but generally it should be pocketed. Iconic Manchester live act Mr Scruff forbids phones on the dancefloor at his monthly club night, and we reckon everyone should follow suit.
10. During an argument
Pulling out your phone in the middle of a shouting match is only asking for more trouble. If the row in question happens to be with a partner, then it's more like a death wish.
11. When driving
There can be literally nothing going on that's more important than keeping two eyes on the road. If you're driving, do not look at Facebook; do not check your emails; do not Skype your girlfriend; do not check your Amazon dispatch date; do not go on IMDb; do not look at the latest Snapchat filters; do not investigate your Tinder match and DO. NOT. TEXT.
12. On a date
Want to destroy a date in a matter of seconds? Get your phone out to take a call. Seriously. As soon as your gaze fixes on that dimly lit, romance-killing rectangle of evil, all the hilarious one-liners you worked so hard to remember correctly are instantly redundant. If it's that important excuse yourself to the bathroom (sit down wee though, remember) and do what you need to do.
13. When you're soaking in nature
Mother nature doesn't need software updates to stay relevant...
14. Walking along the pavement
You'd think the very real prospect of strolling headfirst into a lamp post would put people off using their phones on the pavement, but it doesn't seem to. Everywhere you look, there are legions of smartphone-attached zombies colliding with old ladies, stepping in dogsh*t, ignoring traffic lights and even stumbling into the path of a bear...no seriously.
There's definitely something to be said for looking where you're going.
15. At the checkout
A supermarket till isn't typically a place you want to strike up a conversation, but you can be certain the checkout operators will remember the people who bother to do so. Never hurts to have some good karma in the bank.
16. During takeoff
The novelty of literally being sat in a vehicle in the sky wears off in adulthood - but it shouldn't do. Look out of the windows; you don't need the phone.
17. During the birth of your child
Nobody's saying being the support unit/punchbag for your partner while they give birth is supposed to be a walk in the park, but surely it's got to be a no-phone zone? The selfie generation has spawned some pretty terrifying creations, but it's going to take a lot to beat childbirth selfie guy.
Yeah, don't be childbirth selfie guy.