I will never forgive you for fielding the worst Aston Villa lineup of my lifetime, Alex
The date is November 21, 2011. Alex McLeish, recently appointed Aston Villa manager, lines his team up in the following formation to face Spurs away at White Hart Line, attempting to nullify a Tottenham attack consisting of players like Gareth Bale, Luka Modric, Rafael van der Vaart and Emmanuel Adebayor:
This isn’t a joke. This is actually how we lined up.Gareth Bale, in particular, was meant to be double-teamed with the dual right-back partnership of actually a centre-back Carlos Cuellar and the eternal Alan Hutton, who would thrash around and fall over and miss tackles just 10 yards in front of him. Aston Villa would go behind after 14 minutes, Adebayor with a tap-in inside the six-yard box, assist from Bale. Aston Villa would go 2-0 down before half time. Another Adebayor sitter, another assist by Bale. In response, Villa will register one shot on target all game, the only significant tactical change being to replace Carlos Cuellar for midfielder Barry Bannan in the 63rd minute.
After the match, McLeish will say that Villa had “certain opportunities during the game” (a lie) “that if we’d taken… it would have been a different game” (not necessarily a lie but still such a blindingly obvious explanation of the central premise of competitive sport that it bears being ridiculed).
He will then blame the result on his players, calling their defending a “circus”.
So what point is it exactly that I’m trying to make here, bringing up a game from eight and a bit years ago that still occasionally wakes me up in cold sweats? The point is a simple one and it is this: Alex McLeish has been an objectively terrible football manager for many, many years now, one who is seemingly perverted comfortable in losing a game as long as it doesn’t get too out of hand, and even if it does, oh well, who cares, and his re-appointment as Scotland manager was only ever going to end badly.
He is now just two games into Scotlands Euro 2020 qualifying campaign in his second spell in charge of the country and is already set to be sacked within the next 24 hours.
McLeish will meet SFA chief executive Ian Maxwell to be informed he is to be taken out of the international firing line following his very Alex McLeish-like results – an utterly humiliating 3-0 defeat against Kazakhstan which threw the entire nation of Scotland into an existential crisis and a 2-0 win against literally the worst side in the entire world, one McLeish said “he was confident of beating”, San Marino.
For context: San Marino were beaten 5-0 by Cyprus three days previous. Cyprus.
The Scotland team were also booed off for their performance after the win in the intimidating cauldron that is the Stadio Olimpico di Serravalle, attendance 4,000, or in other terms one-eighth of San Marino’s entire population, leaving McLeish in a seemingly perilous position despite the three points.
Much like an Aston Villa side with Emile Heskey and Alan Hutton as industrious (translation: completely ineffectual) wide-midfielders, it seems fitting that Scotland should limit the damage caused by their notoriously damage-limitation focused manager and replace him before their next qualifying game.
It’s up against Cyprus in June who, if their recent annihilation of San Marino is anything to go by – compared to Scotland’s unconvincing struggle against the minnows – must now be considered serious contenders for the next few international tournaments.
Steve Clarke, in charge of the Scottish Premiership’s surprise package this season Kilmarnock, is the early favourite to replace McLeish.
In the words of the great football pundit Ariana Grande: thank u, next.
