Robbie Williams told this absolutely filthy story on the Graham Norton Show
Let him entertain you.
Robbie Williams may have calmed down substantially in recent years, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have plenty of stories from a very, very well spent youth with Take That and then as a successful solo artist.
The 42-year-old singer was on the couch with Justin Timberlake, Anna Kendrick and Daniel Radcliffe when he told an anecdote about one morning, many years ago, when he woke up in a castle.
"I'll get in a lot of trouble for telling this story," Robbie began. "Back in the day, I was renting a castle. We were renting it to rehearse in for a tour.
"I was in this big room in this castle. I've got this sleeping bag. I woke up and I was laying on my bed. I was cognisant and I was awake but I hadn't opened my eyes yet. I was getting more and more confused because I could swear there was somebody in my room.
"I could swear that they were tidying up or cleaning or something. Sure enough, I open my eyes and there was a lady at the bottom of the bed. She could have been anywhere from 28 to 58. She's got this headset on, it's got this tape on it and the lead went down to cassette player.
"We were well into the days of CDs at this time and I was like, 'Wow.' But you just woke up so you don't really know what's going on. She looks at me. I look at her. I went, 'Alright?' She went, 'Alright?' She looked on the floor where my underpants were, and she went, 'Calvin Kleins? Pussy!'
"I'm like, okay, this is definitely really weird. She went, 'Have you got morning glory?' This is back in the day when I used to have morning glory! So I was like, 'Yeah!' She says, 'I'll wank you off!' I'm really young and I can close my eyes and pretend it's somebody else, so it's like, 'Yeah, go on then!'
"Anyway, she does the dirty deed and it's confusing. I felt defiled. Off she went on her merry way! That night I was with the lady who ran the castle. I said, 'Your cleaner's weird!' She said, 'We don't have cleaners on a Wednesday.' It was just somebody who had walked in off the street come up and give me a hand job, and then left!"
That is not the end of the story, not by a long shot.
"Cut to like three years later," Robbie told the stunned Graham Norton Show audience.
"I'm with my band and I'm like [telling them the castle story]. My guitarist went, 'That's Maureen from the pub! She said she did that but nobody believed her!'"
To watch the story, cut to 35 minutes into this clip...
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