Rich Cooper doesn’t know anything about football, but he works in an office full of people who do. This is his attempt at making sense of the weekend’s football without watching a single match, based purely on hearsay and speculation.
Even by West Ham standards, it was a bad weekend to be a West Ham fan.
Having lost their last game to Manchester City, the Hammers were hoping to come back from the international break (a secret codename for a weekend at the spa) feeling pampered, refreshed and ready to kick some balls with their freshly pedicured and immaculately painted toes. Instead, the London Stadium (soon to be renamed the Well This Was A Good Idea, Wasn't It? Stadium) played host to what is known in professional circles as a "chippy in outer space": getting battered in an atmosphereless vacuum.
After a shaky start, visitors Watford came away with a glorious victory over West Ham, leaving fans in a state of mild disappointment, with a few spilling over into really-rather-ticked-off. There were rumours of a few zesty disagreements between fans, but given that the stands in West Ham's new home are over 15 miles away from the pitch, it was difficult to tell if the disputes were actually about the game at play. Indeed, it was difficult to tell if a game was being played at all.
Saturday was Derby Day, with two of the biggest clashes in British football going down: the Manchester Derby between City and United, and The Only Two Scottish Teams Anyone Outside Of Scotland Has Actually Heard Of Or Care About Derby between Celtic and Rangers, but given that Scottish football has yet to be officially recognised as an actual sport, it's barely worth mentioning.
Photo: Clive Brunskill / Getty
Ahead of the match, it was widely expected that Mourinho would arrive at Old Trafford and park the bus, as in order to pay for his recent multi-million signings, United have had to sack their coach driver who, due to a clerical error, was being paid £230,000 a week. As part of the deal to buy Pogba, Mourinho agreed to take the dual role of manager and coach driver. Alongside coaching and managing the team, his new responsibilities include ferrying players to and from games, making safety announcements, and cleaning out the chemical toilet.
In spite of the pre-match cynicism, the derby turned out to be an electrifying display. Mourinho immediately came under fire from fans for leaving one of his most prominent midfielders on the bench, but the manager claimed that it was "no Mata". City and United went hard at each other (except Rooney, who had a nap and some Horlicks), but ultimately City's well-worn strategy of "Be Better Than The Other Team" ended the Red Devils' universally celebrated and adored victory streak.
In response to every question put to him at the post-match press conference, City boss Pep "Le Pew" Guardiola simply laughed maniacally while flexing his biceps and wiggling his eyebrows, before exiting through an atrium window via grappling hook. Mourinho solemnly put on his driver's cap, and drove the bus back to the depot with his exhaust between his wheels.
Photo: Stu Forster / Getty
Chelsea continued to not lose by not winning against Swansea on Sunday. After a long sabbatical from being good at football, Chelsea's own Scar from The Lion King Diego Costa found himself at the centre attention once again, getting involved with a number of dangerous plays and/or massively obvious dives. He also scored a goal/some goals but, given that this is Premier League football, this was the least important of the game's attributes.
The referee came under close scrutiny for a number of questionable decisions, some of which could have changed the outcome of the game completely had they gone the other way. Chelsea fans erupted in a volcanic explosion of rage when David Luiz's touchline goal was disallowed, despite the referee's insistence that a player must actually be on the pitch and in play in order to score. "We were robbed," a fan complained after the match. "These referees think they're so high and mighty, playing by the rules and that. I tell ya, football ain't what it used to be."
Sunderland boss David Moyes will face his jilted ex Everton on Monday night, but no one wants to see that ugly mess. Yeugh. It's still all to play for!
Feature image: J B / Clive Brunskill / Getty
What did Rich get wrong this week? Nothing, obviously, but if you feel differently you can shout at him on Twitter: @richcooper
