Rich Cooper doesn’t know anything about football, but he works in an office full of people who do. This is his attempt at making sense of the weekend’s football without watching a single match, based purely on hearsay and speculation.
Football’s back. It’s bloody back, lads.
After what feels like an eternity (but in reality was a little over four weeks) there’s football on our screens and in our hearts again. The Premier League, formerly Smith’s News & Booze League before being taken over by the convenience chain, returned this weekend, and there was a lot more on offer than a Ginsters pasty and a bottle of Lucozade.
In a shocking start to proceedings, Hull City beat last season’s champions Leicester 2-1, despite losing their former manager Steve Bruce. If you have any information as to Steve's whereabouts, please contact his father Assem for a £15 reward. After 45 extremely countable minutes, someone put Hull in front with either a bicycle kick, or perhaps less likely, a kick from a bicycle. The two goals that followed were less spectacular but, mathematically speaking, necessary to produce a 2-1 result. These are the facts.
Photo: Stu Forster/Getty Images
All eyes were on Manchester United this weekend, with everyone hoping to get a glimpse of superstar signing Paul Pogba, as the Red Devils faced off against Bournemouth, who apparently have a top flight football team – who knew?
Bought for a record fee of £2.1 billion, Pogba was left out of current manager José Mourinho’s starting XI due to an earlier suspension, but other new boy Zlatan Ibrahimović made his debut in glorious fashion, with a goal that could only be described as “on-target and on-side”. Unfortunately it wasn't enough to earn him the much coveted, duty-free cologne-inspired MOTM trophy, which went to some other bugger. Awkward. Despite scoring one of the goals that led United to a 3-1 victory, Wayne Rooney faced heated criticism for lacking pace, slowing the game down and looking old. Rooney, 62, said the comments were “harsh, but fair.”
Arsenal reintroduced themselves as the best worst team in English football by losing 4-3 to a dominant Liverpool. Despite securing an early lead, the Gunners’ defence simply fell asleep, likely the result of a heavy pre-game Toby Carvery, a typically bizarre tactical decision from former used car salesman Arsène Wenger. Liverpool leapt on the opportunity, slamming home four goals in less than 20 minutes, though it all happened so quickly that it’s difficult to say who actually scored. Jürgen Klopp was so overjoyed at his team's victory that he almost lost his glasses, unusual for a man known for his stoicism and quiet temperament.
Photo: Michael Steele/Getty Images
Freshman Sunderland and Manchester City managers David “Homewrecker” Moyes and Pep Guardiola faced off at either the Etihad or wherever Sunderland play, culminating in an average 2-1 win for City and an "oh no, not this again" loss for Moyes. Surprise signing John Stones made his debut for City, prompting such questions as “Who is John Stones?” and “What does John Stones do?” Joe Hart was a notable absence on the field, further fuelling speculation that the England goalkeeper is actually not very good at keeping goals.
Both Southampton vs. Watford and Crystal Palace vs. West Brom join the historic legion of football games that I was completely unaware of, though I understand one of them ended in a draw. Chelsea played West Ham last night, but I had a drinks thing after work, so I wasn't paying attention. It’s still all to play for!
Congratulate Rich on his brilliantly incisive football opinions on Twitter: @richcooper
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