The definitive list of things that you should never ever say to a bartender

Guilty of these?

Working in a bar can be a pretty interesting experience and while the majority of bartenders are happy to chat away and have the craic with their customers, there are a few things that fall into the category of conversational no-no's. Here are some of the things that are best to stay clear of along with a few sarcastic/ jokey replies...

Topic: Getting attention

Hey, buddy/pal/friend! No, just no. Whistling People that work in bars are not dogs, they won't run instantly towards you after hearing a whistle. Snapping or clicking fingers Turk from Scrubs said it best. Holding money out Unless you're going to be putting 10g's behind the bar, keep your money in your wallet until you're asked for it.

Topic: Ordering

Drink toppers Customer: 3 glasses of white wine...2 ciders...1 vodka and coke and 2 gin and tonics. Please. Bartender: Is that all because the bar's closing soon. Customer: Yep. (5 minutes pass) Customer: Sorry, can you add three pints of Guinness to that order. What's good? Everything, everything's good. Especially the most expensive drink. Order nine of them. Make me something Ok, will I come around to your house after I'm done with work and do your dishes also. Jackass. What's the cheapest thing you have? From the sound of that question, I'd have to say you. I'll have a beer Ok, that's cool because lucky for you, we're the only bar in the UK that has ONE beer to choose from. What do you mean, you don't have...? I can say it again if you like? Surprise me Ok, here's a glass of water. You must be really surprised? Are there any calories in vodka? No (said in sarcastic voice), but there's an idiot that's standing in front of me (said in real voice). Make it strong. Ok, I'll get our new bartender Arnold to make it then.

Topic: Small talk

Do you do lock-ins? Of course Mr Stranger. We also haven't renewed our licence to sell alcohol, got rid of the rats in the cellar or paid our taxes for the last year. Is there any other potentially damning information that you - a complete and total stranger - would like to know? It's ok. I know the owner. What a coincidence. So do I! Let's be best friends. Can you bring that drink over to me? Yes of course. It's not like I've other things to be doing with my time on this busy Friday night. Do you know who I’m with? Jesus?

Topic: Dealing with chancers

It’s my birthday! Free drink? Yep, here you go. Will you take my picture? This face is the appropriate reply to this request if it's very busy in the bar. Can you change the music? Ah, so you're one of THOSE people. Can you do any tricks? You know, like juggling bottles and stuff? Yep, I can make annoying disappear very quickly. Complaints about the price of drink Yep, doesn't everyone know that it's the bartenders that set the price of drink. NOT the publicans. Drunk talk Let me tell you something.... dbsahjkabsdhkfbhsa.... my girlfriend said this thing about me...xnxzfKOef... that team are shite...dbjsafbwfkqwkkfrgh... the country's fu**ed....hfhdfhbdfjbmsgeo.....you're my best friend.....fnkawefdhfbhs....any chance of another drink?